


fallout

by Tukma



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015), supercorp - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Death, Deception, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evil Genius Lex, F/F, Heavy Angst, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inner Dialogue, Lena Luthor Finds Out Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Multiple Personalities, Murder, Pain, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Splitting, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, lex death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-05-13 21:21:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 43,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19259401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tukma/pseuds/Tukma
Summary: the internal struggles and angst from season 4 finale and the fall out from the reveal, leave everyone full of confusion and angstKara has internalised Linda, Lena is breaking, the reveal causes a unexpected side effect, leaving everyone asking where is Kara.





	1. Chapter 1

Kara told no one what happened with red daughter, they all knew that she was gone and that Lex had killed her, but she told no one that she had somehow reabsorbed her and that she could feel her inside her mind. She had given Kara the extra strength she needed when fighting Lex and had given her life to save her. She was good, there was no need to fear her, she was scared and lost and had been manipulated, she didn’t want to be free, she was happy and contented as a presence, a memory. She was an accident that shouldn’t have happened and had been convinced to do things that were terrible, she had asked Lex to kill her and he did, sort of.

She didn’t talk about how the moment that they became one again Kara could feel everything, the confusion of walking around, how she had all the kindest and loving attributes with none of the anger and none of the pain. The memories of the darkest parts of Kara had not existed, she was just kind and innocent and full of so much love. Kara learned about the boy that she saved and how much she loved him and protected him, how she loved Gatsby and found the romance beautiful. She learned how Lex had manipulated the two things that she had remembered Alex and Lena, pretending that he was Alex and that Lena was evil using them and the boy to cause the pain needed to make her hate.

She lived through the training, being poisoned, irradiated, blown up and altered, using Haronel, belittled and tortured, given little to eat and drink except for when Lex visited so that she would cling to him as a saviour, the hollow feeling of hunger that plagued her every day, being pushed to breaking until she lay broken on the floor. How it was always Lex that came in and rescued her, helped her only to be the one that was making everything happen and it had broken her, she had trusted him completely thinking he was Kara’s, Alex but he was not, the only thing that he could not convince her of was that Lena was Evil, she loved Lena, it was the first time that Kara truly understood her feelings for her best friend and it was because red daughter had just felt it, there was no pressure no history no pain or fear just the truth the emotion. It had been a gift to Kara, clarity about how much she really did love Lena.

Lena had told no one about what she had done. There was a distortion and he fell to the floor, now Lena knew why he had her schematics for the portal taken by Eve. So sure of himself that Lena wasn’t going to kill him, that she didn’t have the stomach for it, that she still loved him enough to continue to try. That he mocked her, and suggested that she help him up and go with him. He couldn’t have been more wrong, Lena thought to herself, “brother if all I ever give the world is freedom from you, I will have done more than I ever thought possible.” Lena fire twice into his chest, and the look on his face of shock morphed into pride, he was proud of her for ending his life, proud of her for finally surpassing his limitations, his expectations and his belief in her.

The pride on his face confirmed by his words “you have finally lived up to my name, Lena you are finally a Luthor, ruthless in the pursuit of what you want, what you desire, what you have deemed best for the world weather others agree or not.” Lena stand’s watching him, the life slowly draining from his eyes, and she realise she is not going to suffer this one, not like Adam, not like Jack this one meant nothing to her, Lena couldn’t help but think that there is a element of irony, the person she loved most as a child, the person who was only surpassed by one other love in my life was dying by her hand and she didn’t care. Maybe James was right and she really didn’t know what love was.

Loss does strange things to a Luthor, Lena remember telling Kara this after she killed Jack, she was numb then but now she just felt relief. Right up until the sneer appeared on Lex’s face, he couldn’t leave this world finally giving me a small token of what he had always wanted, without destroying what was left. Lena watched the screens, there was no denying it, her face twisted and contorted in pain, her pain responsible for the faint smirk on the lips of Lex as she look down at his cold lifeless eyes. Lex’s death had no effect the screens however; she felt every inch of that.  
With the new understanding that came from absorbing red daughter Kara looked over the past few years and made some revelations about herself. The day they met Lena had mesmerised Kara with her eyes, Kara had lost herself in them and Lena’s words finding her, the girl inside, who just wanted to be seen, wanted to be somebody, wanted to be someone in their own right, away from their super duties, from their perfect families, from their decayed and demolished world, Kara wanted to matter just because she was her. Lena gave Kara this and the feeling was intoxicating and her left wanting more, needing to see more, somehow Lena gave Kara permission in that moment to just be her.

It hadn’t enough for Kara to just see Lena, she needed to be close to have more, Supergirl was always there to save her, always safe, always. She had found excuses to be with Lena, coming to her for help which Lena gladly gave, but more, asking for help gained time, not previously on offer. Kara had spent time with Lena in every form and she were able to be seen, and in turn Kara was able to see Lena, the wonderful, selfless amazing Lena, oh Kara wished she could have been like Lena and be truly selfless, Lena had proven time after time she would gladly put herself last for another.

Kara knew she could have told Lena, no one could really stop her but selfishly she let them, because she could be with Lena, as both, and be seen, and have twice the time, and be important to her in different ways. Lena had started to lean on Kara to, allowing her to offer something that you needed a chance, to be Lena, and be seen, however she was never just Lena to Kara, she were always more Kara knew that now, and so she had lied, to keep her safe or so Kara had said, but that’s not the truth, it was selfish, and it was all Kara’s doing, she had wanted to keep Lena, her Lena, have two reasons to drop in, two reasons to talk, more time.

Each time Lena was taken Kara lost her mind, recklessly flying into danger, putting everyone and everything at risk for you, everyone said she was foolish to be selfless, they didn’t understand that when Lena was not there and she was not whole. The thought of you not being there took president in Kara’s mind over and over, she couldn’t leave Lena on the ship, she couldn’t drop her in the sea, and she was always the one thing that Kara can’t live without, but was too blind to see it was because she was completely in love with her best friend. Kara felt selfish as though she deserved the Pain that she was giving herself thinking like this. Her blindness to the truth, that she loved Lena had meant that she never told her, the truth never admitted how she felt and acted on emotion she didn’t understand.

 

Now, after supergirl apologised, now you speak to supergirl again, and you forgave a untruth, you forgave the hurt, after Eve’s betrayal and Lex’s, after she had pleaded with her merely a week ago, that if it hadn’t been for Kara she would be broken and that she could take no more. Kara knew she was in love with her and now she wanted to be with her. Kara feels that it is wrong, she knows that it is not the right time, now when Lena is at her lowest and needs Kara the most to be true, to be selfless, now, now that is when Kara has the most need to tell her, Kara, says that she owes it to Lena, talks to Jo’nn and says that she will take whatever is coming her way, but she knows that it isn’t for Lena, Kara need’s her, she is making the choice now to be selfish.

On the flight back Lena realised something, Lex had done something that she didn’t think was possible, and he had done it as he lay dying, he had killed Lena, leaving just the Luthor in a perpetual state of agony, that would twist like a knife for as long as she lived. Lena was fundamentally linked with Kara Danvers, she loved Kara Danvers, was in love with her and had tried to do everything that she could to be near her and be good, be better in the hope that one day she could love her back, because above all else Kara Danvers gave her hope. Lena felt that she had done Lex a kindness, not only would he not rot in jail for ever but he was dead and it was all over with. With his last breath still taunting her and berating her, he played the video that killed Lena without allowing her the mercy of being dead.

Lena thinks about how she stood and looked at the screen as the video played on loop, looking down at Lex and his mocking smile and cold dead eyes and back at the screen that displayed Kara, catching bullets, firing lasers out of her eyes, a super suit. Both the screen and Lex mocking me over and over in a perpetual state of death, caught in limbo, Lena is alive and breathing but everything that was Lena was slowly dying, numbness replacing it, creating a half life of perpetual dread. The woman Lena loves, the woman that made Lena Strong and good, encouraged her and helped her be seen as something other than a Luthor, as a person in her own right, the person that she couldn’t live without, was a liar had betrayed her, had made a fool of her, in front of her family, in front of her friends, no her friends, they were Kara’s friends.

 

Every look, every smile, every time they spent any time together was a lie, there was nothing that was true. How could there be, Kara trusts me, but spies on me and gets others to do so too as super girl and isn’t honest about who she is. The evidence is outweighed on the side of the lie, if there was any truth to the trust, there would be evidence to prove it. There was none, Alex had called, for Supergirl when it was needed but she didn’t tell Lena the truth. She lied too, and Brainy, and Winn, and Nia, J’onn, James everyone, there is no one, Lex is right Kara’s betrayal has left Lena with nothing.

 

Lena had given her complete unbridled access to herself and her companies. She felt like a fool, Lex was right his estimations were correct and he was right to show the truth. Lena didn’t deserve the kindness from Lex that she had shown him. She would live this half life, pretend that all was normal it was what she deserved, to live as a unfeeling unloved, and unloving Luthor, to be empty, and devoid of any human contact, Lena knew that she would eventually learn to live with the knife that was twisting in her heart reminding her of what a fool she was and never to trust, never to love, never again. Lena never existed, and she was always just Miss Luthor. Miss Luthor was late for Games night, she would finish breaking tomorrow tonight the show must go on, and no one will ever know what a fool she had been she would keep her dignity.

Kara has spoken to Alex a little before Games night, she finally had her sister back and it felt wonderful, she was able to get some clarity, while waiting for Lena to arrive at J’onn’s she was a little late and passed it off as being unable to choose between red or white. There was something off. So after games night Kara waited around to speak to Alex, its been a long time since Kara had her sister to really talk to, the mind wipe had made everything very difficult. she knew that Alex did this to protect her and that it was something that she really wanted to do for but it had been hard. Kara had never realised just how much she relied on Alex. Alex had been with Lena and they had grown close which ironically was also an issue for me. What if Alex and Lena had gotten close enough to get together, Kara knew she had distanced herself from Lena it started subconsciously but she had realised that it was to keep her safe, not from the government but from her selfish need.

 

Kara hung around because she wanted to make sure that Lena was doing ok, she wanted to talk to Alex about telling her one last time before she talked to her and come clean. Kara knew that it was the wrong time but somehow she felt that all the breaking in one go may be the best option but she needed to talk to Alex, first, she was feeling less sure and less confident about it, she needed to check this wasn’t selfish entirely. Alex had been with Lena, she had decided to talk to Lena about working with Kara as Supergirl, they had both decided to believe in Kara even though they didn’t know the truth. Lena had been pushing Kara away too and that was about the issues around Lex. Lena has accepted Supergirls apology and Kara accepted her apology about lying how could she not she was lying for 3 years. Alex she was the one who held the missing information, what has been happening with Lena while Kara was absent.

After finally realising that she was in love with Lena, Kara also wanted to talk to Alex about the relationship she had with Lena, after all if by some miracle there was a way that Lena could hear the truth, and forgive her then she would be able to finally admit that she was in love with her. If Alex and her had developed feelings for each other then Kara would need to keep the last bit to herself, after all she loved both Alex and Lena and if there was a chance that they could make each other happy then she would stay out of their way. After all she had been denying her feelings so long even Alex believed they were just friends. Alex did not, and when Kara finally got around to talking to her Alex simply said “well finally”, and then while rubbing her hand around the back of her neck, asked “do you still have to pay up on a bet if you don’t talk to the people anymore?”

Alex had laughed at the thought of anything being between her and Lena, she nodded to Kelly and wiggled her eyebrows a little. Kara leaned back and looked at Kelly who was clearly watching while pretending to be talking to Jo’nn. Alex supported Kara but also didn’t think that it was a good idea to come clean just yet that Lena had been through a lot and that she was going to need some time. Kara agreed to let things settle a little and then to come clean a little time and perspective would help. “thanks Alex, I have missed having you to talk to, you have no idea just how much I depended on you, losing you was possible the hardest thing I have ever done, I only say possibly because you were still here and I think if I lost you it would be harder” Kara hugged Alex and left taking to the sky almost immediately after changing quickly in a alley.

 

Kara had told Alex that she was really worried about Lena and she wasn’t lying, there was something very off, almost cold and detached under the bright smile and joking. If she hadn’t known her so well and watched as the veneer covers her face she would have missed the signs that were there. A bubbling inferno waiting just under the surface. Kara had wanted to know how she had been in case something had happened that she didn’t know about but Alex had not even noticed there was something so wrong. Alex had convinced her to leave it, and although Kara didn’t mean to as such, it was a accident sort of, she was only flying in the general area when she heard the smash, and went hurtling towards LCorp to check on Lena. She landed on the balcony and saw Lena at the desk, the smashed picture on the top and the stone cold look on Lena’s face. Kara maybe supergirl but that look on Lena’s face is enough to terrify her, she steps back and contemplates just flying away, getting away from this situation.

 

Lena had been sat at her desk, she didn’t really know why she had gone to LCorp, less memories she thought but that was not true. Supergirl saved her in the lobby, Kara rode up in the elevator, they ate on the couch, and she slammed her glass on the picture frame and heard the smash, the only photo in the office of her and the Danvers sisters. She sipped her drink again and continued mulling things over, how nowhere was free from the mocking signs of her foolish behaviour. Supergirl knowing that it isn’t even a door would fly in through the balcony, and as she thought it, there she was, in the flesh to mock her more, to show her that she is indeed a subservient fool, hampered by emotion and tricked into what every others wanted, she was a joke. She looked over at the woman and sneered. Lena decided that she wouldn’t stay wouldn’t bare this wouldn’t pretend to save face; she would speak her piece and leave.

 

Kara eyes wide watched as Lena stood and moved turning her chair to look at her. She was unwavering, there was no feeling no recognition no warmth emanating from her, there was no anger no veracity either, there was nothing, she was devoid of anything Kara could have been looking at a photo, but no, even a photo had more substance Lena was empty. “Lena, I am so s” Kara cut her word as Lena raised her hand, signalling the end, of what Kara was not sure, of the apology, the explanation, the friendship, the world it was dramatic and Kara knew that but it really did feel like that was a possibility.

 

Lena’s voice was low calm; it was unnervingly smooth and somehow caustic, there was an edge to it that could have cut deeper than a knife and the most alarming thing was that it was cold, like freeze breath cold, it sent shivers down Kara’s spine from the moment that she opened her mouth. “Good evening Kara, I thought that I had concluded the activities for this evening and I would not be seeing you, yet here you are. I want you to know I have no interest in hearing your apology, or your admirable reasoned arguments, your excuses or well, to be quite frank voice. You lied to me, manipulated me, had people who were supposed to care about me spy on me, and everyone who knows me, knows that I have been lied to because they were all part of it too. It will take a few months but I will be leaving National City, in this time there are new rules and expectations. You are no longer welcome in any of my buildings, you are no longer welcome to be anywhere that I am, you no longer have my permission to talk to, text reach out in anyway touch me, that includes heroics.”

 

Every word cut through Kara like a knife, there was no screaming no real accusations just the facts, and it was all based on the lies she had told, Lena wasn’t going to listen, she was going to leave, she was walking away, Kara realised in that moment that Lena was broken, she was numb this had been the final straw. Kara looked up and then the rules, Kara, would no longer be welcome, she was unable to go to work, she couldn’t go to the hospitals, there were Luthor buildings everywhere, she had supported them all in one way or another to support Lena, she wouldn’t be able to go. Then came the no contact rule not even saving her life, Kara could feel herself breaking apart, she had prepared for shouting and screaming, not this, not the could hearted dissection of all facets of Kara out of Lena’s life, not being willing to die than have to be in her presence. She went to speak and was cut off. “to be clear, you are not to be here, you are never to come back, I don’t want your protection, ever. I chose those words carefully you know why, there is no longer a need to keep a promise it has been rescinded as has our friendship.”

 

Kara had listened again and with each punctuation at the end of a statement Kara felt her heart shattering. Piece by piece, she hadn’t even registered that she had collapsed to her knees, her heart so strong so invulnerable, now like glass was broken all across the floor, each piece seemed to turn to sand and fall through her fingers, she was unable to hold it together. Once the words finished a scream ripped through the kryptonians body, so loud and with such force, Lena covered her ears and moved back. The windows shattered and the doors rattled. The sound was primal it was like her soul was ripping out of her body, Kara felt as though Rao and his light were literally being pulled out of her body and it was tearing her in two. The sound finished and the panting kryptonian was now on all fours at Lena’s feet.

“if you have quite finished with your little temper tantrum I suggest you leave, I will send you the bill for the windows” Lena still remained stoic and unmoved although she couldn’t deny that the sound she had just witnessed had sparked a little something inside her, the raw agonising scream had been chilling. Her head rose and she met emerald orbs looking at her, the confusion on her face evident Lena could do nothing but watch, with a raised brow waiting for her to leave. “Lena, I, what, why I here, I was not and now I am. I am not allowed to be with Lena, Lex say no, Kara be mad, must not, I don’t understand” the confused and broken English in a Russian accent confused Lena at first and then she realised this was Red daughter, no sooner had the recognition hit had the woman before her fled, rising high into the sky, a corresponding boom that told Lena she could now be almost anywhere in the world.


	2. Danvers's sisters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex tries to find out what is happening, and reads up on Red daughter, she is looking for a sign that her sister is alive and comes face to face with red daughter herself, only the woman is not only what she appears but so much more, and Alex cant help but feel for the woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spelling errors, punctuation errors and missing words in Linda's thoughts and speech are done for effect, the idea is that it will be a broken English sounding speech pattern in a Russian accent, please add the Russian accent in your minds ;)

She could have been anywhere, she could have gone anywhere but she didn’t, the moment she was out of the office she literally flew up, she may have made a tiny boom but it was in one direction only. Now hovering hundreds of miles up above LCorp Linda started to try to piece together what was happening. This world was cold and hard and mean, although she knew love of Alex, and for Lena through the residual effects of being split from Kara she didn’t really know it. She had Lex, he was cold and mean and made her do terrible things, awful things. She had realised too late, he had been a bad man and was using her. She didn’t understand the things that had happened, she didn’t understand why he hated her she was not mean before him. Linda, was unable to manage the emotional fallout from what she had been made to do, the people she hurt and killed. The pain was too much that is why she had been happy, she had smiled when Lex had shot her, she could give her life to save Kara and she smiled. She had been taken in to Kara and she was happy to be a small voice in Kara’s mind. Not fully aware but not gone either. She was happy in there, now she was in pain and didn’t know what to do. “Why did you make me out here, why I was happy in there safe, why?” a small sad broken voice in her mind whispered “sorry”

Linda could feel the pain in the other kryptonian, she had of course felt the searing pain and tearing that happened before she was pushed out from her place of safety and found herself with Lena Luthor. As she thought the name there was a small whine from somewhere in the recesses of her mind and she could feel the other retreat further. It was strange she appeared to be able to understand or get a sense of what Kara was thinking and feeling and although it wasn’t communication as such she could understand and be understood in return. Linda could hear that there was a discussion happening below and she tuned in a little to hear, it was Lena and she was talking to Alex, Linda smiled, she liked Alex, she had been kind, she had liked Lena too, she wished that she had been able to have Alex and Lena instead of Lex. Calm washed over her for a moment as she could feel the presence of Kara, encouraging her to take over to be happy, to connect with Alex and have a life, be happy. She concentrated it was noisy but she could pick it out. “No director, I do not want to talk to you or anyone else about this, I am aware that I know something that you don’t want me to and I don’t care, I am not meeting you I am not signing anything, I told her to go and she screamed, before I knew it I was talking to Red daughter who has also left, as director of the DEO this is your job, not mine”

As she tuned into Lena’s voice the calm retreated and the whining began again, soft sorrowful sounds in the back of her mind. Linda couldn’t take it anymore, this Kara this supergirl was whining at her, she had everything she had Alex she had Lena and she messed it up, and now she was making her life out here again in the world where she had no one, where she was treated as evil and hunted hurt and tested, experimented on and trapped like a rat. Oh no this supergirl inside her didn’t have the monopoly on pain. Linda flew from above LCorp and headed to her apartment, she wondered if she would still be able to access it. When she arrived nothing had changed. She found something to eat and sat at the table eating the food, looking over out of habit more than expecting to see anything, across the way was Kara’s apartment. She could hear question in her mind. “I had to know you, to pretend to be you, to be able to destroy you as he wanted me to, I had to find weaknesses, it was strategy from Lex”

Another wave of pain hit Linda and she dropped the cold Pizza as she had lost her appetite, watching Kara had at first been a part of her mission but soon became a torture, she was happy, loved, she had friends and people who loved and cared for her. She was important she was a hero, she was not any of the things Lex had said, making her live here and to see what she could have had, she felt was a punishment; it was something that Lex had done to hurt her show her she was less than Kara. It made her jealous and angry but it also made it harder to hurt her. Linda winced as a fresh round of pain hit her, because it had made it harder but had not stopped her, she had hurt her she had left her for dead on the ground, a light came on in Kara’s apartment and Linda looked up, it was Alex, of course it was Alex, the face contorted in pain the last time Linda saw it, was now full of concern looking around, Linda could hear Alex, muttering begging her, begging Kara to come back, that she was just back and it wasn’t fair. “Alex” Linda muttered, and there was her internal heart pull towards the woman and one mirrored in her mind. Linda flew over and landed inside the flat head down looking very scared and small.

Alex had been at the DEO she had no idea about what was going on, what had happened with her sister and Lena, Kara was going to patrol after games night and Alex was going to the DEO to file the paperwork. They had spoken about Lena and what was going on, Alex had grown very fond of Lena over the past few months and was actually pleasantly surprised by the woman over and over. When she saw the call come in to her phone she drew her eyes together, and listened. Trying to explain, then comfort then discuss the NDA and then giving up entirely it would appear that Kara did not go to do a patrol she went to Lena, it had gone badly and now somehow the red daughter was back. Alex should have known better it was written all over Kara’s face from the wavering lip to the crinkle her whole face was off, she was supposed to have protected Kara, and she had failed. Red daughter almost killed her, Alex thought that she was gone but somehow red daughter was here. Lena had not made much sense Kara screamed and then there was red daughter. If that Russian had hurt Kara she would be sorry. Alex grabbed the report on red daughter from Kara, the more Alex read the more angry she got, not at red daughter but at Lex, he had hurt her so badly according to Kara it wasn’t right, as soon as she found him she was going to kill Luthor. 

All the years that Alex has felt second best, has felt responsible has felt like a disappointment. Every time that she had not taken care of Kara and her mother had come down on her like a tone of bricks, all the anxiety and pain that she felt because the moment Kara arrived she became less than, less important, less in need, less loved, yes she knew it wasn’t true if anything the infiltration on Kara into her life made her more loved because Kara was nothing but love. Every decision that was made for Kara, to protect Kara, everyone that hurt Alex suddenly made sense looking at the information. Red daughter was the same in many ways as Kara, the innate qualities that Kara had were present, but none of the memories the morals it was all gone, and she had Lex. Suddenly feeling guilty all the thoughts she had over the years, of jealousy the initial hatred, wanting Kara gone flared in Alex’s chest and it was like someone was squeezing the life out of her. What would have happened to her beautiful sweet sister if she hadn’t been with them, if they hadn’t focused on protecting her and keeping her safe. Then she realised exactly what had become of Red daughter, Alex was ashen and pale, as much as she hated Lex for what he had done, she couldn’t find it in herself to even be mad at red daughter at this moment, it wouldn’t have been her fault, Alex was torn, she knew if Kara was hurt she would lose it but she also felt the need to protect this poor woman that Lex had tortured. She had to find Kara or red daughter hopefully both, start at the beginning she thought, start at home. 

Alex arrived at Kara’s apartment hoping to find some clues on the where about of Kara or the red daughter. Her head snapped around the moment she heard the soft landing of her sister, although it wasn’t was it, Lena was right this wasn’t Kara it was Red daughter, although she was not stood there imposing and terrifying like Alex remembered from the woods outside Midvale. She looked small and fragile and scared, she looked like she was in pain, she remembered this look from when Kara woke up after the red K incident and Alex felt her heart clench, the pain in her chest was instant, like someone had put a hand inside her and squeezed her heart. She moved closer to the woman, who was her sister but at the same time not, watched as her weary eyes darted around and she backed up, Alex slowly raised her hands and dipped her head moving forward very slowly. “I am not going to hurt you, I just want to hug you, I was worried and only giving you a hug will help me feel better”. Alex had hoped that in some way this woman was like her sister and that a plea for help wouldn’t go unanswered. And sure enough in mere seconds Alex found her arms full of sobbing Kryptonian, rambling softly in a Russian accent.

Eventually the sobbing subsided, Linda had been just stood holding Alex for the longest while, she felt safe, she felt cared for and she felt that she didn’t have to explain herself. That she was not a disappointment for being upset, that she was not a disappointment for still being here, the accident that nearly destroyed the world. What was Alex getting out of this, she couldn’t bring Kara back she didn’t know how, she was torn from her place of safety by some invisible hand and thrust into the light, back into this world where everything hurt her, where the noise was to loud, the colours to bright, where she was made to do things, things she didn’t want to. Was this Alex the same as her Alex, not according to the journals that she had read, this alwx was kind and nice and sometimes scary, which made no sense to Linda at all. Alex her Alex he had been nice too, given her things spent time with her been kind to her and it was all for something, he wanted something always, and he hated her really hated her, he had hidden it well and linda couldn’t work out how to tell the truth of people. Was this Alex going to want something too, what was it that she would want from her, would it be something else that would leave her broken and hurting she was not strong enough to take more. “why so kind Alex, I know, you know I am not her”

Alex felt her heart melting at the small broken voice that asked her why she would be nice, what had her life been like to question a moment of comfort given freely by another, when it was needed. What had Lex don’t to this poor girl, this girl, oh that was what was causing her heart to break, she was just like Kara when she first arrived, only somehow more vulnerable, she had no memories and instead of the Danvers house she ended up with Lex and the Russians. Alex thought were brought into reality the moment that she saw the small shattered look that came from the woman, the way she made herself shrink away like she had not wanted to be seen at all, like she just wanted to disappear and not have to face, Alex the world the pain, Alex was not sure what was worse at this point, seeing this poor woman broken and fragile or the fact she had no idea where Kara was and had not thought to ask. She decided to deal with the very real very broken woman in lots of pain in front of her and her own guilt and shame later. This girl was an innocent all the wonder and hope that Kara had all the fear and loneliness too but it came from a different place. “You don’t need to be her to deserve kindness; you just have to be in need of it, the Danvers woman all do what they can to help and show kindness and love”

The little voice inside Linda’s head told her that this was true that Alex was a badass but also the kindest person in the world and that she was indeed as she felt safe with Alex, that Alex, her Alex would never hurt her. Kara felt a pang of hurt that Alex had not asked about her, and she knew that Alex would be worried, she didn’t want her to be, a surge of protectiveness hit Linda, it came from Kara, she was still very strong and she loved Alex so much, Linda wanted to protect Alex too. “She is ok” Linda gave a very small smile, and looked at the couch, she had seen them sit there many times and had longed to be included, to have her sister want to have her around. She was always jealous of the way they sat on the couch together laughing and eating pizza. How they cuddled and watched TV. Linda had watched it all from the apartment out in the cold while Kara had everything. The little voice in her head said she would have been welcomed if they had known and that it was all hers now, to look after everyone and she would have it all, except Lena, a wave of desperation and sadness hit as Kara retreated once more. Alex saw her gaze and took her by the hand to the couch and sat her down, smiling softly. “Can you tell me what has happened?”

Linda sat there for a moment and then couldn’t help but wonder to herself, that this was it this was why Alex was being nice, to manipulate her into telling her how to get the other back to telling what happened. Kara protested and defended Alex but Linda was sceptical and she was guarded, the situation with Lex had hurt her deeply and she was not able to defend herself against these types of attacks she didn’t know how. Alex saw the turmoil in the woman and smiled softly tapping the middle of her head, “this crinkle tells me you are worried, oh, what can I call you?” Linda looked up a little surprised and then felt her head there was a little line there. “Linda, I am Linda Lee. And I do not know the answers to what you ask, Alex. I do not know how she pulled me from safety and made me here, and I don’t know how to get back either.”

Alex looked at her and pulled her into a soft hug resting her head on her shoulder and rubbing her arm, it felt completely natural to Alex and that surprised her, but this woman was so like her little sister she couldn’t help but be protective. Alex realised what she meant, like with Reign Kara and Linda now shared a body, and although there appeared to be a shared consciousness between them, something that Sam had not had. That meant that this was in fact Kara, and Linda. Alex couldn’t help but think about the horrible forest of negative emotions and haunting faces, how could Linda think that that was nice and safe and somewhere she wanted to go back to, Alex could see that she so desperately did. “Talk to me, tell me what ever you want”. Linda just looked at her for a moment. “When I woke, it was cold I could remember that Alex was safe and that the green eyes meant home.” Kara groaned inside knowing that Alex would know what that meant to Kara. “Then Alex he save me from the people with the tanks and help me, teach me and bring me food. Alex is safe so I do what he say, until I meet Lena and she green eyes, she is home, how can home be evil.” Alex listened; the poor woman had been given the worst person to have as safe. He made me do terrible things awful and I can’t take them back and it is hurting and horrible out here and she won’t let me back inside where it is safe, where I am not hurting” Alex recognised the pain and guilt etched on Linda’s face, from when Kara had the Red K incident.

There was not a lot that Alex could do, she had done horrible things and they were going to make her feel bad for a while, Kara had years of practice and still found emotions especially strong ones very hard. “I am sorry, Linda, I am sorry that this happened and I am sorry that he hurt you and I am sorry that you have been pulled back to a place where it hurts” Alex squeezed her tightly and just helps her for a little while. “She hurts too, but she did this, she hurt Lena, she hurt home, she lied, she is moaning trying to make it better. But she did do it. Lena said she would leave and that Kara was not welcome, ever, Lena to die first before Kara allowed, she scream and I am here, Kara she is sick, I cannot help she won’t let me. Kara is soul sick, she would be dying in or out, and she wants the earth to have me in her place. I don’t want to but she won’t listen” Linda was struggling to find the words, trying to think clearly the pain that Kara was feeling was causing everything to be so much harder, it wasn’t like Linda was hurting enough all on her own the other was emanating so much pain, so hard to bare, Linda could feel her heart beating in her chest but it felt broken, like it was not working correctly. She tried to understand the feeling the pain, but she didn’t have the experience the understanding.

Alex listened and had a vague memory of this from the Arora hologram, something about the Krypronian soul and if their true love dies the soul dies too, they get like a sickness stop eating sleeping and they just give up. Alex looked up at Linda, “she gave up, just like that, my sister that has defeated every issue that has come her way defied the odds time and time again, just gave up hope, it’s what the dam crest means what kind of bull shit is this, you tell that sister of mine that this is just not acceptable” Linda was leaning back away from the angry Alex, she knew the woman couldn’t harm her but she was indeed terrifying. The confusion from reading the journals was suddenly all gone, although Alex was not a threat she was indeed scary, she was passionate and angry and protective of her sister, any human confronted by this would be in serious trouble, Linda did not want to see that, she would make sure not to anger her like Kara had. Then Linda heard the whine from inside her mind and listened for a moment. She looked up at Alex, “I should go, Lena is nearly here, she is in pain I need to go, it hurts more when she is in pain”. Alex looked at her and pleaded with her to wait; she would go out and talk to Lena. The scream from inside was getting louder with every step that Lena was taking from the car, into the building, the closer the sound of her heart beat got the louder the scream.

As the door knocked, Linda reached breaking point, her hands clasping at her head she fell to the floor, on her knees, Alex faltered between the door and her sister a crumpled mess on the floor. She hesitated for a moment just a moment but it was all that was needed, she watched as Linda forced herself to her feet, “you’re a coward Kara Danvers” Linda turned and flew out of the window. Alex ran to the window but there was nothing to see.


	3. Soul sickness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Lena both end up at Kara's Apartment together, Linda has flown off leaving Alex to deal with Lena. Lena is fighting her own issues and thoughts knowing that she cant just go but that she doesn't want to see Kara either.
> 
> Alex shares some frank words and leave Lena spinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are again latest update of the fic, thanks for staying with me, people wanted more and i hope that they are happy with what they are getting, as always comments and likes are appreciated on the Fic, it really does mean a lot to see people messaging about a fic. Enjoy Chap 3

Lena had no idea what she was doing she was sitting in her car heading over to Kara Danvers loft, why, she had already made up her mind, she was leaving she was done with National City she was finished with the Danvers sisters and all the so called friends. So why was she on her way there, why was it that she was going to the loft, did she want to find her there did she want to see her no, it was too hard. She was made to feel a fool, laughed at treated like a idiot, someone that couldn’t be trusted. Blinded by the all consuming power that was Kara Danvers, by that light, that beautiful ray of perfect sunshine that illuminated her life from the darkness that she dwells within. Blinded because that woman, she came in and manipulated her into loving her, made her the most important part of every day that Lena has spent in National City, saved her in every way possible. She allowed it, that is what is worse, Lena knew this now, there was no real difference, they didn’t look different not really, glasses and a pony tail really didn’t cut it, and she ignored all the slips, all the times that they each had knowledge they shouldn’t. Lena was complicit in her own mockery, in her own shame, in her own manipulation and ultimate betrayal.

She wasn’t stupid with all the evidence to the contrary she wasn’t, she knew why she was heading this way. She knew that there were two possibilities of what she would find, and she had to know, had to see, that twisted agonising scream that came from Kara, It was chilling and so unexpected, Lena had tried to push it aside be nonchalant and make a snappy come back, but she knew the truth, that the scream resonated deep within her, like there was a part of her longing to make the same noise, the same scream, release the same pain. She could hear it in her mind, she could see the expression every time she closed her eyes. Was Kara gone, or was she like Sam only hidden, she knew she shouldn’t care she knew that she was being manipulated again and she knew she should stay away but she had to know. Would it be the broken Kara that she would find or would she find Linda. If she found Linda she would need to take her, not to hurt her but to help undo what her brother had done. It wasn’t for Kara, this was out of obligation, her messed up family had caused nothing but pain everywhere and she was spending her entire life trying to right these wrongs. Even broken, hurt, numb although she wasn’t, something in that scream and caused her to feel, she still wanted to be something better and that meant but correcting the families sins. Her name, her burden being a Luthor meant something different to Lena, it wasn’t power it was obligation to but it all right.

Lena knew as she stepped out of the car that Alex was inside, she saw her bike there waiting. She took a steadying breath and stepped towards the door. She was going to either have some peace of mind that Kara was at least able to return or have to take the poor refinance of her brothers creation, and try to help her put the Luthors behind her then she could leave then, and only then could she put National City and this foolish heart behind her. She took the stairs not able to get to her destination quite that quickly, she was stalling and she knew it. Inside she even knew why, she was scared, scared that she would find Kara that she would be there broken and that she would lose her resolve, that just like she had with Lex over and over, Lena would forgive her bring her back into her life and then, what then. That horrible place where Lena hated and loved at the same time, unable to do either fully, just living in perpetual hurt unable to let go of the love or the hate. The sad thing was the reason she didn’t want that is because despite it all, she loved Kara too much to do that to her.

Having the relationship that she had with Lex where they just end up resenting each other to the point where every day is another day to get one up, to hurt, to manipulate, to see if they can break each other, taking on a relationship where they would inevitable end in the same mutual destruction only this time it would be her that was the one with the cold dead eyes staring up from the floor at the feet of the super, only that would do something that Lena couldn’t cope with. Kara would be destroyed having to live like that and then to kill her Lena knew that would destroy the super, but Lena couldn’t see a way to truly forgive her. Something deep inside her screamed at Lena screaming for her to reconsider that primal scream that she had heard in Kara, were they fated as Lex and superman, to be irreversibly linked to be each other’s pain.

Alex moved from the window not even the retreating shadow of Linda was to be seen, her thoughts plagued with the soul sickness she couldn’t remember what the hologram had said it was a long time ago and the pressure of trying to remember was just making it harder. There was a second knock at the door and Alex decided that she may as well get it over with, she knew Lena was going to be upset and shout at her, she had been part of it to, although when they truly became friends when they were working together, when she finally transitioned from being a friend of Kara’s to her friend, she didn’t know the secret either, Alex mused for a moment wondering if it was the secret itself that stopped her friendship with Lena developing, after all she was always on guard trying to protect Kara, and when she didn’t know she had seen Lena for who she truly was. Alex got to the door and opened it up; she stepped aside and smiled lightly as she rubbed the back of her neck. “Come on in Lena”

Alex watched as the Lena walked in jaw tight and with a cold and empty expression. She couldn’t help but wonder what it was that was going through her mind, nothing was showing on her face, she looked stoned and stoic nothing of the woman that she was getting to know, there was no kindness no softness it was almost as if Lena was missing and she was stood with a true Luthor, the only thing that she could see was a small flicker in her eye that showed briefly before it was gone. Alex wondered what was going on behind her eyes and wished that they were closer that she could tell, that she had taken the time, there was something in the back of Alex’s mind that told her Lena was going to be needed was important somehow. “She heard you coming and left, Lena I was trying to get her to talk to me, Linda, she is scared and hurt and doesn’t want to be here, and something about being around you caused an issue she started talking to Kara and then left.”

Looking at Alex, Lena had her answer, Kara was in there somewhere and so was Linda, she was in a position where she was somehow in control of Kara’s body and dealing with the shock of being pulled back into the world, a place where she was manipulated and discarded, thrown away like a disposable minion, Lena knew this feeling all too well and would ensure that Linda is given what she needed to overcome what Lex had done. “I would like to help and rectify the damage that my brother has done, it would be preferable if I could do this quickly and swiftly so that I can get away from national city, however it does appear that she will not submit to being in my presence, although I think that is more to do with your sister, and considering what she has done it should be me that is wanting space”

Alex looked at Lena there was something there when she spoke about Linda, it made Alex wonder if there was something that was going on there she could hear the sadness about the way she had been treated and what was happening there was a softened way she looked and Alex could see a spark of the old Lena in there, it vanished when she spoke of Kara but watching Alex could see pain behind her expression before the mask was replaced. Alex took out her phone and sent a message to Brainy at the DEO to get information on the soul sickness and to send her the information immediately. She was looking at Lena and watching trying to study every movement and look, needing to understand, she expected screaming and shouting this was something else and Alex couldn’t fathom it, she needed to know what was happening with Kara and Linda, and the only think that was positive was the fact that Lena didn’t seem interested in hurting Linda. “I have asked for some information from Brainy, but Linda is innocent, I mean that she is an innocent, she did the things that she did under duress, but she is an innocent, I want to help her too.”

Linda had not gone far, she had gone to the apartment that she lived in, she watched the two woman talking, both seemed to want to help her, and they both seemed honest in the way they spoke about her, there didn’t blame her for what she had done. She could feel Kara in the back of her mind, pushing forward enough to talk to her, to impress on her that Alex and Lena are two of the most amazing women in the world, and that once she is gone, they will help her become all that she can be. “stupid, cheerleader, shut up, I see them, they help yes but Alex she want you she want her sister” Kara ached from within the mind of Linda, she loved her sister more than anything and she just wanted her to be safe and happy, maybe one day married with a wife and a child, she would miss it all but at least Alex could have part of her in Linda. “I not a replacement, cannot just exchange us Kara, I am not you” Linda went back to sitting at the table watching the two women.

Lena was waiting for Alex to finish impatiently for Alex to finish whatever she was doing, pacing in the apartment. So it was Linda, Alex was going to help protect her but there was no way that Kara was going to let her help, this was ridiculous, she didn’t want to be anywhere near the Kryptonian and she was definitely not interested in anything that she might have to say, but it would appear she didn’t want to say anything anyway, and that was just fine. Lena was still pacing, it was fine wasn’t it, she didn’t want to talk to her she didn’t want to hear the excuses she didn’t, did she, there was something within her that did want to know, that was still connected to her, that longed to see her face. Lena grimaced and shook her head to clear her mind of these thoughts this weakness that she had because of Kara. She looked over as Alex slumped to the floor confusion and concern now spreading over her face. “Alex what is it, has something happened?”

As Alex read her heart sank further and further, she couldn’t believe what she was reading, the passion that Kryptonians felt when they were truly in love was all consuming, they became enraptured with the other, and when they lost that other, they were unable to survive. They became soul sick, like half of their soul has been removed and they cannot eat, drink they barley move, it’s like they literally give up all hope and die. It was not a common occurrence since they began using the matrix, the sickness only happening when they found their true soul mate, this was something that happened less and less as the years went by and it was considered mythology, more than history, it was like tales of legends. It was said that if the soul truly recognised its other half then it would need to be with the other, and if they were parted, if one was to die, there would be a primal scream that would call for Rao himself to remove the soul of the remaining half and set it free to walk in the light with their mate. Alex didn’t believe that Kara’s soul had been taken but she did believe that she had given up and was love sick, love sick for Lena. Alex looked up with an ashen expression and terror etched into her eyes. “Kara is going to die, whether she is in Linda’s mind or not she is going to die”

Alex continued to read and there was very little hope, the stories collected by Brainy from the hologram only had one version that didn’t result in the remaining Kryptonian dying, a woman strong enough to keep going, to keep fighting until the other that was thought dead was returned. So that was it, Kara needed to have Lena, and this did not seem like it was going to be something that was going to happen. “Of course it is tales of myth from a dead planet but there must be some truth to it, whatever is happening within Kara at the moment she is not willing to come back and she is according to Linda dying” 

Lena listened to Alex, refusing to let the words sink in at first, this was not possible after all, she knew that although Kara had always said they were best friends a term that Lena had grown to hate, she wasn’t in love with her. Lena’s feelings towards Kara had never been returned and they couldn’t be, after all how could Kara love her, she didn’t trust her, there is no love without trust and Kara couldn’t and wouldn’t tell her the most basic of truths about herself. She wouldn’t tell her who she was, if she was not willing to do that then she didn’t love her. Lena could feel the scream in her own chest building just as it had before, the pain building up behind her wall battering against her mind her heart wanting to be acknowledged to be heard attended to. It was there, the truth, she love Kara so much that even with all her Luthor stubbornness and her itty bitty boxes she couldn’t deny it, she had to get away from Kara, she loved her more than anyone she had ever loved and wouldn’t cause her pain. The pain on Lena’s face was twisted into a haunting mask.

Alex looked at Lena and finally snapped, she liked her trusted her, worked with her and she knew that Kara loved her more than anything but she couldn’t take it anymore. “You don’t get to do that Lena, you don’t get to look at me like your dying inside like your broken not now, not when I am about to lose the person who means the most to me because of you.” Lena looked at Alex and raised a brow as she crossed her arms across her chest. Setting her jaw and pursing her lips. In a uncharacteristic display of anger Lena spat out, “You don’t think that I have the right to be upset, to be angry to feel betrayed and devastated by being lied to and laughed at by everyone I know, including you for three years. Treated like a fool and kept in the dark, watching her fall from the sky and disappear, to have no one come to me and tell me that the gaping hole in my life left by the absence of my friend, was because she was laying somewhere half head, I could have lost the person I love and no one would have told me”

Alex looked up, so that was it, that was what was causing the issue, not only was Kara in love with Lena, Lena was in love with Kara, that’s how the soul connection happened, Kryptonians rarely fell in love and when that was returned they became entwined with the other, it was the loss of this that caused the tear that caused the pain that meant that Kara was no longer able to hope, will herself to live. Kara would die, slowly wither away inside Linda until her soul was gone, if Linda managed to get back inside, Kara would physically waste away in front of her eyes. This Luthor was cold and disconnected the occasional flash of anger or hurt pushed away, maybe making her understand, making her angry it would be able to force her to confront her feelings for Kara, maybe forgive her.

When the argument started in the apartment Linda perked up in the other flat watching intently, Kara pushed forward wanting to hear, to understand what was happening why were they arguing. Then there was the word that Linda knew to be true “love” Kara moaned and her heart ached as she pushed forward more almost enough to break back into consciousness but not quite, she was holding back scared, terrified that it wouldn’t make any difference. “Coward Zor-El, you a coward, how can you walk away, this love is all, it is everything, you have no right, to moan, whining like a baby” Kara was angry and flared inside Linda’s mind, leaving, respecting Lena’s wishes it took strength to walk away. It was killing Kara literally to do this to do what Lena wanted, that was not cowardly. Linda scoffed and paced in the apartment watching. “then we go to her, we tell her, talk” whining again from inside Kara felt that she couldn’t face both Alex and Lena, she didn’t think that she could face Lena at all. 

“Listen to me Lena, Kara has only ever told three people, after years of Winn being her best friend and me dismissing her she told him so she had someone to support her, when I was about to be taken to Cadmus and experimented on she told Lucy to save me, and recently Nia was in the position where she was completely alone as was Kara and she told her to support her friend. The only person she has ever wanted to tell the moment she met them was you, we all stopped her and then I watched as it tore her apart not being able to tell you, and now, now she is going to die, I lost her for months during the mind wipe where I had no idea who she was or who I was, she is the best person I know and she is going to die, I am losing her for good and I can’t do anything, the only one that can is looking at me like Kara is the devil and deserves to be dead. Well at least this Luthor can say that they killed the super, and you didn’t need to do anything, she is going to die because she is in love with you. Nothing good comes of loving a Luthor”

Alex knew it was a low blow, which she was being harsh and means Lena was her friend but she needed Lena to feel something to be angry, to fight for Kara because Kara couldn’t fight for herself. She turned and left slamming the door behind her.


	4. Lenacentric

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena is alone after Alex left and decided to call out Linda, this doesn't go as she was expecting and she is once again left feeling broken and this time she Handel things her own way. Scotch and smashing things, a old friend is on the end of the phone just at the right time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all I am finding that I don't have as much time to write as I have had but I am so happy to be posting my 200,000 in 7 month with this chapter.
> 
> thanks for reading comments are always welcome.

Lena stood for a few moments looking after the retreated Alex, her mouth just slightly hanging loose. It was not often that she was spoken to in such manner let alone be left stood stunned and unable to speak back. How dare she do that, tell her that Kara was in love with her, that she was dying and that she was the person responsible for this. That Lena was able to do just that by being her, being terrible at being a friend, unable to be more, being a Luthor being untrustworthy literally by being herself she was able to kill a super. A sadistic grin befell her face, the second time I have exceeded my expectations as a Luthor, the first killing Lex and the second killing a super. A mirthless chuckle escaped her lips she was standing here in the centre of Kara’s flat looking around chuckling that in her trying to be less like her family, to be good she is able to achieve what they have wanted too by mistake. That was about right she would by mistake be the best Luthor to ever live. This wasn’t fair, Alex had no right, to suggest that, today all that, she had no right to tell her that Kara loved her, Kara doesn’t love her. Alex just wanted her to care to help. “Damn it Alex, how dare you, Linda if you’re listening get you Kryptonian butt here I don’t care who says you cannot talk to me.”

Linda had been watching and saw Lena laughing and was confused, she was happy but the conversation didn’t sound happy. She looked away trying to work out why she would find it funny why she would laugh. Kara didn’t think that Lena was happy; she remembers the chuckle after killing Jack the memory sent a shiver through Linda. At the mention of her name Linda looked up, looking directly at the Luthor demanding her attention, she wondered if Lena could sense her looking at her, across the streets and past the buildings just as if she was stood in the room. Did she know that she was there, listening, or was she just talking to herself. No she was talking directly to Linda and she knew it what’s more so did Kara, Kara whined from inside Linda’s mind begged her not to go to Lena, begged her to stay away. Lena had continued to talk, calling Linda, she couldn’t stand it, she knew that Lena didn’t love her and that they didn’t have any relationship but the love that Kara feels had been transferred to Linda. She couldn’t stand to see the woman in pain, hearing the pacing and the requests. “You will be quiet, she calls, you have no choice, come out and be here and then I do nothing or stay and I go, I will go to her” there was a needy whine from Kara, she wanted to be with Lena so badly to hold her comfort her but it was her this time, it was her that caused this. Linda walked to the window and took to flight landing just inside the window, edging closer to Lena.

Lena gasped as Linda landed, she wasn’t in the super suit or in a Kara outfit she was wearing clothes of her choice, no glasses and her hair was down, obviously Lena now knew that they were one and the same but seeing a shy Kara esq person landing after flying in the window still made her heart rate increase and a small gasp escape. The moment she was in the Luthor’s presence Linda could see those eyes, the calming feeling of home washed over her, she knew it wasn’t her feeling but relished in it none the less. Kara however cringed away whimpering the site of Lena causing the pain to flare within her. Linda stood somewhat shyly, not able to fully engage with Lena, she suffered nervously on her feet and waited for the woman to speak. “I am not going to hurt you Linda, I just want to talk to you, I am not like Lex I just want to help”

Lena watched this version of the red daughter, this was definitely not the one that destroyed the white house, she was shy and sweet, she was nervous Alex was right she was an innocent. It made Lena’s heart squeeze at the thought of this poor girl in the clutches of Lex, now she stood before Lena like a small scared child. “people say I shouldn’t, talk with you, Lex said now, Kara hurts at the thought, and you, I hear the discomfort, you not want to see me, you don’t want to be near” her brows drew together forming the little crinkle and her lids held closed as the corners of her lips were pulled downwards. Lena looked at her and there was something familiar and something different at the same time. Lena was confused, angry at Kara, she wanted her to be gone, but at the same time she felt for this poor woman who had been so mistreated by her brother. Taking a breath she knew that there was nothing that she wouldn’t do to help this girl but she needed to deal with Kara and her feelings before Linda would trust her. “Will you sit with me for a little while? Talk to me, I don’t want to hurt you I just need to understand a few things and then I would like to help if I can”

Linda looked at Lena she could hear the heart beat the cracking in her voice see the way that she moved and looked around. She was not comfortable and she was not happy and there was a very good chance that she was angry. Kara and her whining was getting on her nerves and she could feel her in her mind pushing her, trying to get her to leave to get her to retreat, that Lena was not happy that this was a bad idea, she kept on and on at her and Linda was growing impatient and frustrated with the annoying cheerleader. “Shut your whining, cant think, stop now, you happy to cause physical pain to yourself stupid cheerleader learn to endure” Lena could see Linda wrestling with something, Kara really was in there, she raised a brow and looked at Linda, sitting down on the couch, Waiting for the argument to finish and Linda to decide what she was doing, there really was two of them in there and they were aware of each other this wasn’t like Reign at all, this was somehow different they were more than sharing a body, more like sharing a consciousness. If Lena wasn’t so confused about how she was feeling, angry and hurt all at the same time she may have been fascinated by this but as it was she was just feeling a little like she was intruding on a private phone call. As much as Kara whined Linda really just wanted to make the pain go out of the eyes of home, to make that feeling come back. “Ok, Lena we talk, I have met you, we saw each other in elevator before I will try to help you”

Linda went to sit with Lena and the closer that she came to the woman the more the krypronian cheerleader whimpered and retreated. Linda sat and looked up at Lena for the first time taking in the woman’s features. As she gazed upon her she could feel the pull to her, she wanted to reach out to touch her, to be able to kiss her. Linda knew that these feelings didn’t belong to her, not really but they were difficult to deny, they were so strong so demanding. Linda felt sorry for the other, how hard it must be to always be so close yet so distant from the thing that she covets the thing that she needs more than food, sleep or even oxygen. At the same time she couldn’t help but think that she brought it on herself through fear and cowardess. Lena seemed happy, caring and would accept Linda after all she did why would Kara who knows her better think different. “she find it hard, to be here she is sick, and avoid being hurt more, she punish herself, but she hurt you more, I didn’t ask to be here, she made me come out so that there would be a hero, when she dies there will still be help, but I don’t want it”

Lena listens to the words and there is the recognition from Linda for what Alex had said. Kara was dying, she was somehow trapped within Linda and was dying, and Linda didn’t want to be here either, she was being forced into being here. Lena wanted to know if the rest was as true, as much as it pains her, as much as she knows that there is nothing that she could be told that would take away the pain that she feels, maybe in time the knowledge that it wasn’t all a lie, that Kara did feel something for her would bring some small comfort. Not that Lena ever felt that she deserved a reprieve but it would be nice. “Alex says that she is sick because of me, that I am the only one that can help, I don’t believe in myths and legends of this world I believe in science, if there is something wrong with her then science would be the answer. Can you tell me the truth?” Lena didn’t mean to spit out the last few words it wasn’t Linda that had lied to her after all, it was just looking at that face, that beautiful face, although the expressions and mannerisms were different the physical features Lena knew well, loved, hated, despised and adored.

Linda shrunk back a little at the tone, and Kara, cried out, that tone, the pain, the way that the word truth was spat at her like she didn’t even know what the word meant. She didn’t want to be here and now she was with Lena, Lena who was supposed to be home to be something kind, and she could feel the hate, Lex had hidden it masked it within kindness and caring, which is why his betrayal his truth had hurt so much, so much she wished for death. Linda shook her head and looked at Lena, she wasn’t Lex she was hurting because of what the other did. “I have read the journal, I have watched her, I feel her, it is confusing but clear, and it brings pain. She screamed and tore through pulling me forward, as she left. You, she only ever wanted you, but she a scared, pathetic cheerleader, wouldn’t tell you truth, wouldn’t admit her feelings. She love you with everything she is, completely wanted to be yours.” Linda took a moment and a flash of a memory came into her mind, Kara in the desert alone blowing her powers out and allowing herself to be hurt, almost allowing her own destruction. “She couldn’t because you didn’t know, she punished herself for her lies, denied herself you, hurt herself but it was never enough, she was frightened to tell you because of this, when you told her that thing, when you took it back, all that she offered, all that she could give you, told her you didn’t want it, she broke. She refuses to live without you has given, she realise she wouldn’t have any of you, called for Rao to take her, he almost took her completely but she faltered and pushed me forward to take her place. She couldn’t leave Alex and you unprotected wanted me to do that”

Lena had thought that this would be easier coming from Linda, which somehow that innocent woman would be believable and it would calm her wounded soul, that there was something true in the thought, Lena did believe her, she believed every word that was spoken, and she also believe Alex and what she had said. She was confused by what Linda said, how did she hurt herself punish herself nothing was making any sense any more If it is the love of Lena that needed to live, to come back then Lena was the only one that could save her, this was not fair, it wasn’t something that was fair to ask not now, not when she has only just learned the truth. She was faced with the truth the pain the hurt of yet another betrayal, another person that she thought that she could trust. This did not bring any comfort at all, Kara loved her, wanted her like she wanted Kara, and everything that Lena has been wishing for hoping for, for the last three years would have been possible, if she could have just been honest. Lena looked up anger flashing in her eyes “So she loves me but doesn’t trust me, she needs me but isn’t honest, and now when it is my turn to be hurt my turn to feel betrayed by the only person I have ever been in love with, I have no time to make any choice, either I promise to allow her to be with me and save her life or I say no and she dies and I have to bear the burden of killing the woman I love”

Linda sank back at the words and the way they were being spat in her direction. She was not comfortable, this was not the Lena she had read about or the one that she had felt so strongly was home this was more like Alex, Linda shrunk back retreating from the Luthor, Lena was not any different she when was scary and angry, the sweet woman that was there that wanted to help, was now like a caged animal when hurt striking out at anyone that came within distance, she was a Luthor, Linda couldn’t help her while she was this, she didn’t deserve kindness when she was so easy to hurt someone else. Kara was retreating from the words when Linda’s thoughts turned negative about Lena and she charged forward, “you will not think those things about Lena, she is good and kind and has a beautiful soul the likes of which I have never seen even after all she has been through this is my doing you will not, she is not a Luthor” the vocal explosion surprised both Linda and Lena, Kara was there, and then gone again, almost as quickly. Linda stood and retreated to the other side of the room, not only was there an angry Luthor to deal with but there was a angry Kara splitting her mind in two taking control but not letting her rest and speaking to her so harshly. “this is a mistake, I can’t, I am not helping, everyone always gets mad at me, I am no good, I should never have been” Linda flies out of the window leaving Lena alone once more.

Lena had had enough of this, she keeps getting earth shattering news, information that tears at her heart and her mind and leaves her reeling and then the person dropping the devastating blow swans off like it was nothing leaving her to pick up what is left of herself and what, move on, get over it she had no one, she knew this, Lex was right, she was broken battered, humiliated and alone, no family no friends nothing that was mine, everything was taken way from her, but then it was all a illusion in the first place, none of it belonged to her, it was always Kara’s. Lena could feel the tears pricking at her eyes and she was not going to let this be where she finally broke. In the place it flourished, no, Lena spun on her heel and left the loft, heading down to the car and back to her pent house. Back to her ivory tower, the lonely desolate place she called home, but she didn’t not really, it was a house not a home the only home she had known was with Kara, Lena Groaned, she was truly pathetic. She took out a bottle of scotch and started drinking. Alcohol fueled and angry everything in her apartment that reminds Lena of anything is smashed, torn, destroyed. The dresses the suits anything that made Kara’s face light up, the photos, the presents everything.

Throwing the empty bottle at the cabinet with the photos in Lena watched as they fell over the floor smashing, she saw one that she didn’t want to loose laying on the floor. She began to cry, Ruby and Sam looked up at her through a smashed frame, she had paid no attention to what she was doing or the pain, hands and feet bleeding she curled up on the couch holding the broken picture and opening a new bottle of scotch. Lena didn’t care she was bleeding didn’t care she had caused physical damage to her property or herself, she just needed a reprieve from her own personal hell, the place where she tormented herself voices of previous tormentors and her own swirling around in her mind, she was week, foolish, stupid. By the time that Lena was half way through the bottle she was crying and screaming intermittently, she just wanted to have the world go away and the scotch was betraying her it was no longer doing what it promised and taking her away from her pain, this has been a tested Luthor fail safe for many, many generations and it was failing her. She picked up her cell and dialled the only person she could. The only friend that knew everyone but Lena had brought to the party, she called Sam. “Sam, thank god I just need to talk to someone, someone who knows, someone I can trust, oh god Sam everything is so bad, I can’t believe it is so bad. Even I don’t deserve this and I am a Luthor for god sake, Sam are you there”

Sam was asleep, she was happily dreaming away when the phone rang. She looked at the clock and it was 4am, who calls at 4am, Ruby was here and she had no other family, her friend from National city called on a games night so they could all talk to her together and she had missed a few but they wouldn’t be calling this late. Then the voice came over the phone, it was Lena, Sam’s first thought was that there was something that was wrong with the latest bloods, that maybe she was going to have problems again. But Lena wouldn’t call at this time of day. Then sam notices the additional Irish twang, the slightly elevated pitch and the increased speed at which Lena was speaking. Oh shit, Sam thought, Lena is drunk and by the sound of it spiralling. Sam remembered this from Edge and the attack on the children. Lena was just about to hang up when a very tired sounding Sam answered the phone, “Lena is that you, are you ok, you sound drunk, what the hell has happened that has you calling me at 4 am. Is everyone ok, Kara, Alex, Jess, James? I heard about Lex I’m sorry, Lena talk to me tell me what is the matter it must be something for you to call so late.” Lena looked at the time and tried to do the mental calculations for the time but she was unable to manage, instead she just took Sam’s word for it and promptly broke down again.

Sam started to panic almost immediately, where the hell was Kara, or Alex Lena had just lost her brother he had been the only thing that she had slung to from that terrible family, where were her friends. Lena knew that she needed to say something tell Sam, ask her but she was still sobbing uncontrollably, she never felt pain like it all through her life there had been pain but whatever was happening now was more pain than she had ever had to endure and she was sure that she was not going to make it through. “Sam, I have lost everything, it’s all gone and there is nothing that I can do.......... I killed Lex, no one knows this Sam but I trust you, you are the only person I have left. The thing is I am not sorry I feel nothing about it, but relief, he was proud of me Sam but then he had to have the last laugh................... the video the truth all of it, the lies the deception all of it, none of them can be trusted..............Linda, Lex tortured her and she is back, fighting inside the same body it’s a mess, they argue and are aware, you were not aware I don’t understand how they are.......... I have to undo what Lex did, I have to clean up the mess but I don’t know how I can I don’t know what to do, she looks just like her, I can’t even look at her without it hurting..................... She is still in there she spoke to me, or her today when she got angry...................... Alex hates me, called me a Luthor. Accused me of killing her by loving her how absurd is that, I can’t love someone who lies to me who deceives me..........what the hell am I supposed to do with this, I can’t forgive her just like that if at all, if I save her I condemn us both to misery...............she loved me back, all this time but she couldn’t she didn’t trust me”

Its 4am, Lena is drunk, rambling and all the information is disconnected, Sam is doing her best to piece things together she is thinking about the news, the phone calls that they have shared recently, her knowledge of her friend, doing her best to make sense of this, this is not Lena Luthor, something is different broken, it’s like her brain is miss firing, or over firing something. Sam starts to slowly put together some of the puzzle and then Lena’s final sentence before Sam was again listening to sobs was the key. If it had not been so early, if Lena had not been so incoherent Sam would have known instantly what this was, after all Sam knew Lena and there was only one thing in this world that made her crazy outside her family and that was the little blonde reporter, Kara Danver, Zor-El technically which Sam guessed Lena now knew. “Lena I will allow you exactly ten minutes to continue rambling and sobbing and then miss Luthor I am going to tell you what you need to hear, you don’t want to hear it and I know that but you will hear it or you will hang up, if you make me come back to National city you will not get the soft version, do you understand” Lena sniffed and squeaked out a yes to Sam, rambling for her ten minutes before Sam cut her off.

“Right now we have that out of the way, Lena I love you, you know I do we have been friends for years, you are more than my boss and always have been. However if you think I am going to stand here and listen to this self deprecating drivel and allow you to punish yourself to the point you are going to make a mistake you will regret you are mistaken. You saved me when I was torn literally in two and now you are going to let me save you from tearing yourself apart. Alex and everyone protected her because as you told Alex, it was not their secret to tell, you kept mine and didn’t share to protect me that is what they have done, it didn’t mean you loved them less it just means that you are loyal a quality all your friends love. Alex did the best thing for you she could, made you feel and anger is always easier for you, I bet the pent house is destroyed about now. If she is suffering from soul sickness she would have been struggling for a long time Lena, that is not a myth it is something that almost killed the kryptonian people, the old religion had much more information on it, how she has managed to stay away from you, protect you without being with you and not go insane is a testament to her strength. If she is punishing herself then she probably was torn apart before calling for Rao to do so, Kara that oblivious adorable goofball loves you almost as much as you love her and whatever you need to do to help her, do it, because you have no idea of what pain is, until you allow her to slip through your fingers, now pull up your big girl pants and go fight for the woman you love.” 

There was a brief period of what Sam knew would be stunned silence and then Lena would deny what was said, scream and shout or break a little more. “Low blow Sam, using me against myself, you know that I am always right and can’t argue with me.” Then she heard laughing, actual laughing, Sam was not sure at this point if she should be happy or scared. “thank you for listening Sam I am sorry that it was such a late call” Lena hung up the phone. Sam had not longed for her powers once since loosing them until now; all she could do is hope that everything was ok and hope that Alex would take care of her best friend. She Text Alex:: well done Danvers you made her feel I have no idea what I have just done check on our friend::


	5. all Tea no Sympathy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex relieved the text in the early hours and knowing that this meant it was a drunken conversation gave Lena a little time before visiting as Sam requested.
> 
> the resulting destruction from the drunk evening and the mess that Lena is in means that Alex does her best to remain calm and talk.
> 
> heart to heart deep and emotional with the two women, in the penthouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that people are struggling because its darker than my normal fics but i have updated the warnings and it just needs to play out. if you Don't want to see a more fragile side a more damaged side to out hero then stop reading now the next few chapters are about internal pain and struggles, including self harm.
> 
> It will become something happier eventually but this one is writing itself and i am letting it go where it wants to. i hope that you enjoy and leave comments, but if you are not in a place for this then stop.

Lena was laughing; she had managed to finish the call in a semi sensible manner before the laughter completely took over her. This whole thing was hilarious, there was no other word for it, after all a society in which such advancements were made they actually traversed the universe before life was crawling out of the primordial soup on earth were almost brought down by love. Lena would like to look into that, how exactly was the thing that was supposed to be the strongest feeling on earth the thing that made people climb mountains, fight, push forward against all adversaries, how could that bring down a world. Then that is it isn’t it, love does make you crazy, it is the thing, Lena had brought a company, filled a office and apartment with flowers, given unfettered access to a member of the press, given away technology worth millions, craved the sight of the reporter swanning in. She had abandoned deals, pushed meetings, catered events with potstickers and done much more just to be there for Kara the moment that she needed her, hoping for a different outcome, one that would have Kara in her arms. Lena felt like it was her that was going insane, nothing made any sense to her anymore and the only thing she could do was laugh. Something had finally snapped in her mind, in her heart she was not sure what it was or if it was something that could be fixed. Maybe she was indeed going to go crazy like Lex maybe this was how it was going to start.

Lena had passed out and was awoken to banging on the door of the penthouse, her head was pounding and her throat sore and dry, she looked around and groaned, moving her head even a little hurt. She was disorientated and confused and the banging didn’t help, sitting up and heading over towards the door Lena, limped as with each step she felt more pain, in her heel, her hands, every muscle, the penthouse was destroyed. Opening the door not really caring who it was she looked up to see the concerned brown eyes of Alex, she was wearing a sad yet mildly annoyed expression and she was clearly worried. She took a look at Lena and at the apartment and sighed. Scooping Lena into her arms and lifting her off the floor, Lena let out a small yelp but didn’t try to fight her. She kicked the door closed and carried Lena to the bathroom. Alex didn’t speak other than to narrate her first aid prompts, tweezing glass out of Lena’s feet and washing them, dressing them and then moving to her hands. Alex worked almost silently until there was nothing left to administer to but the hangover, Alex carried Lena into the bedroom and placed her on the bed leaving to get some water, pain relief and something to eat to help with soaking up any remaining alcohol. Lena didn’t argue, she knew that there would be time enough for that soon, she just allowed Alex to administer to her, she had always liked that Alex was quieter, more thoughtful and didn’t need to fill the room with chatter. Lena didn’t like rambling idol chatter, unless it came from Kara, she was everything that Lena didn’t know she wanted and would have refused if offered. Alex looked up and finally taking a breath spoke. “right, your cleaned up and medicated, and we are going to talk, not shout and not say mean hateful or hurtful things to each other because we are friends Lena and I am sorry for yesterday but remembering advice from before I just wanted to make you mad, now explain what is happening”

Lena sat for a while and contemplated her options, there was no way of getting past Alex, there was no way of balling her out and making her leave, Alex was possibly the only person on the planet not afraid of her, and just as stubborn. The problem was Lena couldn’t promise no hurtful or hateful things, she was a Luthor and a hurt scared confused one, that was like having a wounded tiger loose. Pressing her nails into the padded flesh of her freshly dressed hands she took a breath. She wanted to tell Alex that she was just as much to blame as Kara, that she didn’t want anything to do with either of them ever again, or did she, she didn’t think she was any more, but she didn’t want to be the only one in pain she knew that. Alex was still sat silently just waiting, looking at Lena, that look it was kind and understanding and gentile, why was Alex being so nice it was so infuriating. Alex raised a brow as Lena felt the flash of anger, she knew that Alex had seen it and she still said and did nothing. Eventually Lena sighed and looked up at Alex, it hurt and she knew that she wasn’t able to make use of the bitty boxes they were devastated more so than her pent house. “Lex, he did this, he showed me video’s of Kara, doing things that only supergirl can do, catching bullets, freeze breath speed you name it he had her doing it all. He knew as does my mother you may want to deal with that. He taunted me with his dying breath, that I was stupid, foolish and that I had no friends. He waited until there was no more time, to pick a better time, when he saw that I stood with the girl of steel against him, he knew I didn’t know and used his last moments to taunt me.”

Alex listened she breathed, and focused on not losing her temper, Kara had been caught using her powers on film, that she was going to have to deal with later, she could be so stupid so irresponsible some times. Always rushing in without guidance and mostly saving the day, sometimes destroying national city in the mean time but mostly supergirl gets it right, but hold on this was Kara, Kara hasn’t used her powers without her suit except that first time to save Alex, she wouldn’t. Then there was a little tug at the back of her mind, not everything as easy to access since the wipe, things still settling she thought; it’s ok. Its Lena, Lena is the thing that she would risk exposure for. Damn it Kara, why can’t you just do what your told, or do what you want but commit to one side or the other, when she sister was back she was going to get a piece of her mind. After a few more breaths Alex looked at Lena “we have known about your mother for a long time, after all she did have my father who knew everything so it wasn’t a surprise, she terrified Kara, she tortured her, kidnapped her, killed her friends, and then smiled as she told her that you would hate her, the reason she didn’t tell you is because she wanted Kara to see you break and hate her, your mothers a sadistic piece of work Lena, tell me did you recognise the scenes? Kara hasn’t risked her identity for anyone since saving the plane, even when I was drowning in a tank she didn’t. I bet you remember them all, because the only thing on this planet that trumps me is you, although you may not remember her scooping you up and flying from Catco to the DEO, you were unconscious.”

Lena sat stunned for a moment, Lillian had tortured Kara, there was something in the back of Lena’s mind, Supergirl had mentioned something about her mother, of course that was Kara, Lena tried to piece together all the conversations with both, the information from both parts of Kara to understand the picture better, everything that happened to supergirl happened to Kara, Lena remembered the chemicals and Kara refusing to drop her, she had thought it odd that supergirl had pleaded to save her, had called her by her first name, but it wasn’t it was Kara. She needed some of it to be true some of it to not be lies, Omissions and deflections. She was feeling angry and trying her hardest, Alex was doing her best to put aside her feelings about her to talk she needed to do the same. However there was a part of Lena that felt off guard now, although her and Alex were friends she had always been surly and this was too calm. “So she didn’t tell me after because my mother scared her, but she had already been lying to me for a year, now it’s been three, you have all lied to me treated me like a fool, used me for information, technology assistance, worked the friendships I thought I had formed for everything that you needed. You lied we have been working so closely for the past 8 months Alex and I thought we were finally friends, but you lied and used me too” Lena may have been angry but her voice was small and fragile.

Alex recoiled a little, not from the emotions, from the broken sound in Lena’s voice the vulnerability in her eyes and the fact she wasn’t entirely wrong from her perspective it would have seemed like that. Alex bit her lip and thought for a moment, she felt guilty about Lena too since her memories came back, they had gotten close and she was finally able to see what Kara had the moment that the two of them met, just how special and kind Lena was. It was this reason that Alex was doing her best to keep on a even keel, she had lashed out at people before when Kara was in trouble and she knew that Lena didn’t deserve any of it. “Lena I can’t change the way things have happened but I can try to explain. Protecting Kara has been my job since I was 13 years old, protecting her secret and hiding who she is has become second nature to everyone in our family. When you first arrived Kara wanted to tell you, immediately, I didn’t know, I did not understand why, we stopped her, and it hurt her deeply. She protected you in every way she could, believed in you, hell the entire DEO was ranted at the day you were arrested and no one slept until you were proved innocent. We called on you because of her, every time, she would remind us of how good and smart and resourceful you are so when we needed that we called you, and you saved her over and over, just as she did you. She made you a part of the friendship group, of her family, the most important of all people to her, even if she didn’t tell you everything. As for us, well our friendship is based on only truth, thanks to the president and Haleys quest, I had my sister wiped from my mind, in a foolish attempt to protect her. I had no memories of my sister for the most of the past year, she has been alone, I was horrible to supergirl forgot things about Kara that hurt her, left her alone, something I promised never to do, not after hearing what she went though and holding her when she screamed at dreams of drifting alone for decades. She has lost so much and hurt so much your mother used the best weapon in the world, Kara’s own worst fear.”

Lena sat and listened; Alex didn’t deny it or defend it but seemed to view things differently in a way where she was needed a part of things even if not given all the knowledge. Lena couldn’t understand how having her mind wiped would help, but thought about the past year, Supergirl and Alex were not seen together as much if at all, Alex had been spending a lot of time with Lena and hardly any with Kara, their games night scores were terrible, the only paring that knew less about each other was her and James. Lena found it hard to see either Kara or supergirl with any fear, they were both courageous and always doing everything they could to help. Mark Twain came to mind “courage is not the absence of fear; but acing in spite of it” Alex looked at her with drawn brows knowing that Lena was processing, Lena shook her head and took a breath. Lena contemplated the saying she was always saying that she wouldn’t live in fear but that was fear of life threats, Lex, her mother the occasional disgruntled employee. When it came to her heart, her feelings to Kara she had always been a little less fearless. “Sam explained the sickness, as did Linda, before I scared her and Kara shouted at her, which resulted in me being left alone in her apartment. Kara should have gone mad according to Sam and Linda said she has been hurting herself, I don’t understand though, she never showed any interest in me, and I flirted, hard, embarrassingly so, she doesn’t love me I don’t know how it can be me that she is sick over, I don’t think that I am the right person to heal her, unconditional love is not my strong suit, I don’t know if I can forgive her and I won’t live hurting her and me”

Alex could feel her anger and her fear and her outrage pooling deep within her stomach churning around, curdling in her stomach making her feel sick and hot, she breathed, slow, steady, composing herself, calling everything that she had, every piece of training not to lose it. Lena watched and could see the battle raging in Alex, she was sure that she was about to get shouted at again. However the detached voice of Director Danvers addressed her, Lena understood the facade, the persona the brand she had her own although it wasn’t accessible. “I have never thought of you as foolish or cowardly Lena, I didn’t see that my sister was supergirl why would you? But to fail to see her love for you, makes me think that you are not worthy of it. She has given all, every time, almost died, been in a coma, but she always gets back up and always fights on, even when her powers were gone. She has lost them a lot recently, ending up hurt more frequently. I thought this was some result of the split, but punishing herself would fit better. She never allowed herself to admit her feelings for you, she couldn’t be with you if she was lying and she couldn’t tell the truth, because as much as she would do anything for you, including flying into a kryptonite explosion she could not risk losing you, it literally broke her when she did. She can’t be Kara, she can’t be supergirl because both of them need you. You are a fool if you cannot see that this is true, and as for unconditional love, if it wasn’t, my baby sister wouldn’t be dying, the bond can only form when both parties love each other unconditionally, your cowardess is not that you can’t tell if you can forgive her or get past this, it is that you can’t admit you have. Your scared Lena, of just how unconditional and strong that love is, strong enough to make her show herself even though she hates herself enough to punish herself and sacrifice her own life.”

Alex sat waiting for the rage the anger to come from Lena, she knew that she has pushed a button or two, maybe dented her pride a little or bruised her ego, but Lena needed to know she needed to understand that Kara would never have allowed herself to take advantage of her or her advances towards Kara, she was too good, too noble for that, not with the lie in the air. She didn’t have time for Lena to contemplate forgiveness or decide what she thought was best, she needed her to get up and help her find Linda, and convince Kara to come back, that there was something worth coming back for, someone, Alex wished she was enough, she had gotten her back from the mercy but she knew she wasn’t enough this time. Lena didn’t shout she looked at Alex unclenching her fist where there were small half moon cuts, Lena looked down, “it’s not always about punishment Alex, some time it is to feel something, or stop feeling something, sometimes it is to get through the day, we all do it, some of us differently, you drink, as do I, what she is doing is to cope, how long has she done this? Hurt herself?”

When the very small voice came from Lena’s lips Alex felt a chill run down her spine, this was not what she had expected at all, screaming shouting maybe some attempts and physical violence but a small broken sound emanating from Lena, it was unnerving, Alex wondered just how little she really knew about Lena. Alex looked over and could see the small trail of blood from her hands and the half moon, she looked to her face and could see that Lena had a understanding greater than she had shown before, Alex was a little thrown by this more open Lena, she had always been a little closed to Alex it was only around Kara did Lena come to light. Looking at Lena sadly Alex shook her head. “In all honesty I don’t know this time Lena, I had no memories of her being all of her for the past 8 months or so, I knew that Kara was hiding things from me but I couldn’t work out what, it would appear that it was more than one secret and that my sister is better at keeping them than I thought, I gave her permission to lie to me, because she wouldn’t do to me what she did to you, did you know that. She used to hurt herself when she was younger, she would blast her heat vision until her powers would be gone then she could feel the pain”

Lena sat for a moment and contemplated things for a moment, and then looked at Alex. She understood the need to feel something anything other than the way she felt inside she understood the way that some time if felt like you would explode and having a focus on something specific, a specific pain, a targeted pain would help to balance and allow clear thought, show that sometimes the emotions would spiral out of control and the pain would anchor her to the earth to the situation, help her stay present, as it had been doing during the discussion with Alex. Lena shared her thoughts with Alex, she drank to forget and she would press her nails into her hands, there was even a time where she would seek out male company which she didn’t like allowing herself to be used by them, this form of self harm stopped many years ago when Lena finally accepted that she was Gay and that she didn’t need to punish herself for that. “I am not sharing this because I want your sympathy, I want you to understand that this behaviour in your sister is not about a simple punishment, it is much more complicated, it is for survival as much as degradation and depends on what she is doing when and why. Sam suggested that the soul sickness should have driven her insane by now, these behaviours may have just saved her, so don’t judge her too harshly Alex, that is not fair.” Alex felt a strange mix of annoyance and hope, she was being chastised by Lena but at the same time Lena was defending Kara and that had to be progress.

Linda was circling high above the penthouse, since spending time with Lena at Kara’s she too was feeling the draw towards her. Clearly being of the same soul or body or genetics or whatever it was that had caused there to be a duplicate, or Kara herself being inside Linda there was some form of transference and she couldn’t be away from her. She was in the supersuit and was just hovering and circling the building. She has been there since the night before she heard that smashing and Kara had stopped her going, saying that Lena needed to smash, Linda waited. Then again when she heard the crying Linda wanted to go but Kara had stopped her again. How was it possible for Kara not to go to her, Linda wanted to more than anything in the world but Kara was giving her space. Then the phone call, super hearing meant that she could hear both sides. The pain that Lena was in, the way she felt so alone and abandoned hit to the very core of both Linda and Kara, this time the whine of pain escaped the lips, it was coming from both of them. Linda could feel how much this was tearing at Kara, how much she longed to be there, how hard it was to focus on anything other than Lena, she could feel thoughts spiralling out of control, how she longed for clarity and thoughts of pain grounding her bringing her back to herself are flooding Linda. Linda almost gives in, unable to manage her own need to help Lena, and the crazed unfocused thoughts of Kara, she was just about to leave when Alex arrived, Kara called no and Linda stopped. Listening to the conversation it seemed very strange and Kara also seemed quite confused. She was also becoming more upset and agitated. Kara should be the one to talk about these things, she should be the one Lena opened up to, that’s how it was. “stupid cheerleader you caused this, she not talk to you about it, they both upset, they help each other, they have each other now”

Alex and Lena were still sat in the bedroom they were unaware that the Kryptonian’s were above them that Kara had been there listening along with Linda the whole time, that Linda has just suggested that Alex and Lena would be ok because they could be together. “I won’t Lena and please see if you can find it in you to apply the same sentiment, bring it in Luthor” Alex held open her arms and Lena went willingly into a hug from Alex, Kara had always said Alex gave the best hugs, Lena decided they were the second best, but still it was just what she needed. As the women embraced, there was a scream, a cry something so loud but not so close. Above them Linda had scanned the room and as Alex spoke and the two women embraced she felt the snap in Kara, followed by getting shoved back, deep back, Linda smiled to herself, she felt safe again. Then there was a small bomb sound, the two women parted and there was a whole in the ceiling and standing before them a very angry looking supergirl, Alex looked at her sister trying to work out which one it was. “still jealous Alex I see, I’m not even gone yet and your here going after the one thing that I couldn’t have, does that make you feel like you can crawl out of my shadow now” Alex head snapped up and her heart sank, this was raw unbridled emotion this was the same as Red K Kara.


	6. Time for Kara to be heard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kara Appears at the Penthouse, he has a few things to say that Alex inst going to want to hear, has a little time to apologise before baring the depths of her depression and pain.
> 
> Seeing her sister Slipping away Alex looses it and it results in the Luthor in Lena getting pulled forward. at the same time there is some softening of Lena's resolve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am happy that you are still with me, i am enjoying writing something a little darker and psychologically demanding. i will hopefully be doing some writing over my days off so that i will be able to update again things are turning a corner, please feel free to comment, i try to get back to everyone that does :)

Alex looked at Kara worried, this was something that she didn’t ever expect, she knew that there was no Red K left in the city so it wasn’t that, but what she said was already pulling at Alex’s memory. She moved somewhat protectively in front of Lena. Lena was confused Alex was behaving like some kind of protective alpha male there was no need for this, Kara, Linda who ever this was or whatever hybrid wouldn’t hurt her, with all else that has happened there was one thing that Lena was sure of, Kara would never break her promise. She would keep it even though Lena had rescinded it; she knew that she was in no danger so why was Alex behaving this way. “Still intimidated by me Alex, I cannot believe that you would make such a possessive move, who are you living for now, it isn’t me, you are betraying me, telling Lena these things, she doesn’t need the guilt or pressure, this is all my doing this is my fault all of it. I bowed. I scraped, I succumbed to all of your demands the government demands and did as I was told like a good little hero, while all the time you kept me away from the one person I wanted to be with, and I was weak, I was pathetic, I did it, it is all me, I allowed myself to be persuaded, then I couldn’t face losing her, I was selfish and cruel and I hurt the woman I love, it’s all my fault, I needed her to see me just me no expectations like you Alex, not need for me to be super, to protect to be perfect, then it was too late I would lose her and I couldn’t manage that either so I lied more and now your using my weakness as a reason for her to help me you should be ashamed Alex”

Lena watches Kara, she has taken the choices which were sensible at times and twisted them on her, braiding herself, it was true it was her choice but she wasn’t a villain she was hurting too, she was seeing just how much pressure that Kara is under, how has she not snapped. Or maybe that is what this was Kara Snapping. “supergirl has to be a symbol of hope, she has to be perfect she holds the world on her shoulders it is unpleasant and its heavy and no matter how much I do people, they still hurt each other they still blow things up and set fires, and I am there in the middle of the catastrophes holding the world together, I have to make choices that hurt people and they have to be made for privacy, for secrecy and all I have is more pain. Not real pain, oh no that’s why I am ok to be blown up because I don’t feel it, thrown into the firing line. It all gets too much and I can’t release it, I can’t get angry, I can’t work out. I can’t feel anything, the only options I have to release this feeling is to flare, to run till I am exhausted, to be hit or fall or throw myself into things to feel something, this planet I can’t use energy, I can feel it is like a cruel joke, on me all of the stress none of the release. Then the harder it got to stay away from Lena, the more it tore at me to have this part of me, the super that I couldn’t share that hurt her, you disappeared, and then I wasn’t even worth anything as a super, yet I still felt obliged to help to save you all, even when you treated me like dirt.”

Alex stood reeling from the onslaught although she knew that this was unfiltered based on the suppression that she knew Kara did, after the past months there was going to be so much pressure that was on her and she was alone. Alex felt terrible about this, she knew that there was no way that she could protect Kara from everything but she had done what she thought was best, it wasn’t. Between the damage to herself, the DEO, the friendship group as a whole and the damage, the massive damage to Kara, she had been the one to cause the additional pain, the level of loss and loneliness that would have had her reliving her past, tormenting her, every day that she was the last, she was alone and everything she loved would leave her. Then the one thing that she wanted to keep safe Lena, had been ruined too. Alex looked down unable to look at her sister, as the tears spring to the eyes. “oh have I made you cry again Alex, well I would apologise but you know what they say the truth hurts, and since I became the super. I lost my sister and gained a commander, then when you didn’t know who I was... I lost everything. Alone again, just like before only this time it was worse, because it hurt so much more because you were right, there I was alone and you were right there. Lena I know that I hurt you and I appreciate you trying to understand but I will not have you through obligation forgive me. You said once that you should never meet your hero’s, which killed me, it told me that my hero, the woman that I revered more than anyone, no longer believed in me. Maybe if I had told you originally it would have been different, maybe I wouldn’t have to look at you looking at me with hate and disgust instead of your warm smile, an I know I am picking the easy option, but that's because the alternative will literally kill me.”

Kara paced talking to herself muttering fighting with something, Lena recognised this from when she was with her before there was something going on between her and Linda. Lena looks at Alex she is broken, Lena has never seen her cry before she has always been so strong, but Kara had been brutal she couldn’t help but wonder how she had gotten off so lightly. Then Kara started to shout again. “No, No they do not understand, they do not understand what I have seen, what I have lost, the things that I have seen in my life, I wouldn’t want them too. No, they need not know of it stop now, I only have one thing left I can’t have it taken from me. I am. I am a coward I know this Linda you don’t have to tell me how cowardly it is to give up to stop fighting, you don’t need to tell me I know.” Kara sinks to her knees screaming and Lena is expecting Linda to return, she has seen this before, the day that Lena broke, she saw this, the way that Kara disappeared in a scream. Alex watched eyes wide with terror over the scream that was coming from Kara, she had never heard this before and it was terrifying the pain the anguish. They both stood in silence watching the strongest woman they both knew in pieces on the floor on her knees.

“She won’t let me, she is stopping me from leaving she is stronger. Don’t make me stay here please. Supergirl is dead, she took what I want in my life and she was used by the government, cant be her any more I will not, I can’t continue to flare to feel the pain, the release, I can’t keep sneaking off to hurt myself to release the pressure caused because I have to be perfect when I make so many mistakes. Betraying the woman I love, over kryptonite, lying to her because of an identity, failing over and over to protect people, having my family be responsible for so much terror I am not hero. Kara Danvers is dead too she has nothing there is just no family, no friends and the woman she loves hates her there is nothing for any version of me here. Tell me Lena, Alex what do you see when you look at me, hope, justice because all this shows me is failure, betrayal and weakness, You Lena you do not want to be with me, you can’t accept me, not like this, you can and shouldn’t forgive me because you feel you should, you have been through enough, I knew this yet I was still too selfish to tell you the truth when I would have or could have made a difference and I have lost any right to expect you to do so now, that is why I am going, I have barely enough strength left and I need to get back to my resting place.” Ripping the clothes from her body and dumping the suit and the other women’s feet Kara turns and Leave’s, I am a failure I don’t deserve to wear this. She flew out of the window.

Alex raced to the window seeing nothing as she expected. Alex hung her head still crying and unable to stop herself, not only had her sister resorted to self harm and isolation to cope with the undue pressures put on her, but due to her choices she has done it alone. Then there was the issue with Lena, she had not been attacked, it was almost an angry apology, clearly Kara was taking responsibility for everything. Lena walked over to Alex and placed a hand on her shoulder. “she didn’t mean it Alex, she is clearly not well this sickness is messing with her mind. We need to get her to the Lab maybe we can split them again and have both Linda and Kara saved, or if the worst comes to it we can help ensure who ever remains is taken care of, we owe her Alex, both of us, I clearly never gave her a place she felt safe enough to share this secret, and have reacted exactly how she predicted I would.”

 

Alex was hurt and scared and her patience had run far too thin to fight the anger bubbling so close to the surface she felt suffocated by it. Kara had always been her heart, she was right that she did live for Kara, that she was the one that kept Alex going. She never asked for a sister and didn’t want one, but through having Kara in her life she found something that she never thought that she would have unconditional love. That was Kara, she was unconditional love, she was always there, with a smile and a hug. She may have found a romantic love once more, but nothing could take the place of the one that her sister brought the first time they had lain beside one another looking up at the stars. Nothing could replace nights of glee and laughter, tears and playful banter. This was not her sister talking this was something else someone else, someone scared and hurt sick and dying, on the verge of losing the thing that Alex loved most her favourite person, her sister. She was used to sharing her with the world and recently with Lena but she was always able to protect her to save her when needed then, well then there was Lena, jumping in saving the day too and this time, it is Lena and Lena alone that can save her. Lena’s love and only Lena’s love would restore her soul. “I can’t help her this time, I am useless, I have no function and the only person that can help is still reticent about it, you say that she lied and deceived you and you are right to a degree, but there were clues, things she didn’t change when she was around you, and she never lied about what you meant to her”

 

Lena can hear the pain in Alex’s voice and in the accusation she hears the spark of anger. She is still angry and hurt; she has tried to be reasonable, she has tried to go against everything in her, she stayed, she has been listening, she has been trying, all this time she had been pushing the hurt down as much as possible holding in the way she has been feeling, being spoken to like someone who is behaving like a child when she was at least trying. Kara may not have gone about and changed everything about herself and done what Lena now saw was the bare minimum to hide but it was enough, it wasn’t the pony tail or the glasses, it was the complete change in personality, darkish, clumsy bashful and sweet, that was the disguise or was that Kara, Lena didn’t know and that made this harder. “I can’t just forgive her Alex you say that she is who she is, that she didn’t hide that from me, that she was always honest about caring for me and what I meant to her, but who is she, is she Kara Danvers, Zor-el or is she supergirl which bits are really her. She won’t even talk to me, look at me, try to help me understand, she is hiding away and torturing that poor Linda for no reason.”

 

Alex lost the last of her control with the pain and Lena still questioning Kara’s love and the possibility that she would forgive her. A part of Alex knew that Lena was just too stubborn and scared to really see what she had done. She wanted to blame her, to hate her but she couldn’t. She knew that on some level Lena was right and Kara was being a coward, but it was Lena that told her to stay away to leave to never talk to her, Kara would literally do anything for her. She was Kara’s protector and she was failing, maybe if Lena could just see that the clues were there all along, the identity and the love. So she did the only thing she could, stood up and ripped what was around her neck off. She gripped it so tightly she had thought it would cause her hand to bleed and then lessened the pressure, looked at the one who was both the life and soon to be death of someone she had failed to protect in the end and threw it at her. Lena felt the sting of her skin broke open by what had been chucked at her. She recognized this necklace she had seen it over and over again. The first meeting, the helicopter, as supergirl; leaned in, their luncheons, dinners and Netflix. The day that Alex had called frantic, scared and so very dishevelled, when she had brought what she knew could save Supergirl, the person seizing before her eyes, had worn that very same necklace. Other things played out, all the signs all her little boxes that contained Kara related issues filed away. Obvious slips, big things and also small things, looks, touches the familiar embrace all of this was coming from Kara’s essence it was these intimate moments where Lena felt at home with both the hero and the reporter, she had pulled away from the super and avoided contact not wanting to see. How much was she deceived how much had she deceived herself.

 

She looked up with a newfound sight, so judged as the hypocrite she was, her judgment of herself was harsh and unyielding she was unwilling to see the truth, even though she had felt in deep in her soul and Alex had been right to yell, scream and cuss at her. She deserved that wrath and more. Everything that Sam had told her, was re-wound back and played through her mind again. She loved her, she had always and she would be lost and so hurt if she lost her but how to get her back. The other information A soul sickness. She blinked once, twice and a few more for good measure, she was behaving strangely, maybe there was something to this, her soul, her essence was sick it made sense for what she had just witnessed with Alex, she was looking at the necklace and then she looked up only to find the room empty and a slam of a door. Yet again, that woman so understanding yet so fed up, had left her in shambles. Alex had not gone far she was only outside the bedroom, she was busy trying to pull herself together, the moment that she had seen the blood on Lena’s face she regretted losing her temper, she moved out of the way to give Lena some space and to wash her face. Lena was stubborn and not wrong, Alex knew this, Kara was also stubborn and self righteous and a hypocrite, Alex too, all of the women had lives that effected the way they were they all had their own demons as it were, none of them were inclined to bend, Alex knew it was wrong to expect so much more of Lena but she was the only one that Alex could get to, Alex would give up anything for Kara she hoped that Lena felt the same she went back towards the door and stopped when she could hear Lena on the other side.

 

Lena was sat alone again she had lost count of how many people who had walked out on her in the past three days. “Nothing good comes from loving a Luthor. You were the only good thing in my life Kara. I have pushed you away, I have said things that hurt you things to make you leave, and I have made you more sick, I am sorry, If you leave then I’ll go with you. I am dead inside without you, nothing matters without you, this was true from the moment I saw the screens, my brother killed Lena and there is nothing for this Luthor here. Please, Krypton’s Rao, Take me and save her if that’s what is needed. Let her fly. Take me instead and sever what she believed in me for. I told her before I am not worth it, Give Alex back her sister. Let me take her pain once and for all. Free her from this cursed soul she is attached to, don’t allow the Luthor in me to be the knife in her. Linda, if you can hear me, I’ll help you free. I’ll help you both. Let her rise to be what this universe needs and take away everything of me within her. Rao, grant me this one wish.” Lena felt ridiculous she didn’t believe in a earthly god yet she had witnessed the scream that called forth Rao and so now she was bargaining with him, anything that she could do to save Kara. She was grieving, she realised, she was firstly denying what she saw that hadn’t lasted long, she was angry and depressed intermittently when she felt anything and now she was making a bargain with a god that she didn’t believe in. Just acceptance to go and the grieving process would be complete.

Alex stood outside the door, She had heard everything, not realizing when the tears had escaped her watery eyes and rolled down her face. She wasn’t sure if she would get Kara back, but she felt that Lena was at least going to help, she tapped on the door and stepped inside. “I am so sorry Lena, I should never have lost my temper I didn’t mean to hurt you, I guess I am just not handling this at all well. I tend to lash out when Kara is in danger and I know that it isn’t fair and if you want me to go I will go. I heard what you said and I want to help in any way I can, can we put this behind us and move forward as friends again, work together to save her, I know you love her and I do too, I just don’t know what to do with myself and I don’t know how we are going to save her but I will do anything you ask, anything at all, Lena please just say something.. anything, I am trying to apologise here. Lena walked up to Alex and stood in front of her, “Did I tell you I was a Luthor” Lena swung and punched Alex square in the face, she hadn’t been expecting it and Alex was now looking up at her from the floor. Alex wiping the blood from her lip, as she looked up at Lena. “Don’t ever treat me like that again, don’t ever speak to me like that again, we are now even”


	7. some times we have to break to heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after the outbursts Kara is gone, but cant leave the area, she is no longer able to distance herself from Lena it is too hard. Alex and Lena talk a little fight a little and then are thrown together to help when Kara's tries again to be taken by Rao, will she make it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a hard chapter guys, i will upload the next one as soon as i can, i am starting to see the light at the enf of the tunnel.

As with every other disappearance Kara had not gone far from the penthouse, she was weak and sick and couldn’t manage to build up the strength to stay away. Linda had not had much luck staying away either, she wasn’t sure if it was her that needed to be there or Kara, she sat inside Kara’s mind taunting her. “Stupid cheerleader, you think that I am going to be coming back out you are more so stupid that I thought.” Linda knew that there was an element of Cowardness in her desire to retreat and not have to be within the outside world, she had nothing good inside protecting her, and she had nothing but a vague feeling and then Alex. All that was beautiful that she found twisted, taught to hate, the only thing she had felt good about was protecting Mikhail, she liked to protect it was the only thing that felt good everything else was pain. The ability for the two distinct personalities to talk was becoming easier, clearer, they were both part of the same two different personalities in one body. “Linda you need to stop fighting and come out, they need someone the world is not ready to be alone yet, they need something to look up to, someone to give hope, that has to be you it cannot be me” Linda refused and pushed back, refusing to step back out she was never meant to be here and was not coming out.

 

Kara was running everything through her mind and she could see every decision that was made, everyone that hurt Lena, which pushed her away. She could hear the discussion between Lena and Alex, and she could hear Alex losing her temper, she almost returned then to stop her, but she couldn’t, she just didn’t want to hurt Lena any further. Linda was sitting back listening to her. “yes yes stupid cheerleader, you were coward, didn’t take her when you could, she want you and you turn away, hide because you so scared, now blame self, which is right but you don’t listen, listen to her she already talking, taking blame and you here to busy to help her again” Kara stopped and listened hearing Alex leave and Lena talking to herself, no she was talking to Rao and offering herself in exchange. Wanting to be dead herself to be taken front his world and have me stay, wiped of all that is Lena. Kara couldn’t take it the way Lena who had been so hurt in the past was trying to blame herself, that she was the one that caused this when it was her, it was Kara. Linda realised that she no longer had any control, the stupid cheerleader did and with it could sentence them both into the darkness and away from Rao’s light. She kicked and punched, screamed and cursed in multiple languages but every bit of her shouting fell on deaf ears, that were in no way kryptonian anymore. Kara had made the decision to flare and fall, she was going to end everything.

 

Linda was inside her mind, wondering what the hell Kara was thinking, this was not the way to do thing she would hurt Lena more, she would kill them both, destroy Alex, this was not the way, this was a permanent solution to a problem that could be sorted that was temporary, if she could just have the guts to stay to try to talk to Lena. Kara looked up there was nothing about and flashed her heat vision screaming in to the night. Linda didn’t have much time to think, the last time that Kara had called for Rao he had come to take her and it was Linda that stopped it she realised that now. That was her function she was a protection for Kara, Kara was sick, she was low, she held to much back had too much pain and needed to be protected. She needed to come forward to stop this to save her, to give Lena the chance to be happy, Kara and Alex all of them had been through so much and Linda was the protector, with or without her own body. The last of the heat vision was forced out, Kara’s head falling back just as her body began to plummet to the deck or ground she wasn’t sure. She didn’t care. The pain she believed she didn’t even have a right to feel, that she believed Lena denied her, would come and take her finally. She was nothing. She had failed Alex. She had failed Astra. She had failed Lena. She had failed them all and the last thought left before the darkness seized her was, “Mom, I failed. I’m sorry.” 

Linda screamed out clawed her way to the fore front, broke through and took control, she couldn’t fly, she had no powers, assessing the situation she knew that the only option was to change the body position to glide, she would try to change the final destination. She would make it, she aimed herself at the penthouse balcony it wouldn’t be painless but it would probably be survivable, Kara was shouting at her in her mind, telling her, pleading her, begging her not to do this to let her go, she stopped Rao she was stopping Kara too, there was no way for this to be over, to be finished, Linda was going to make her wither away slowly, without any honour, as they fell, they both struggled for control. Kara wanting to finish this life and walk in Rao’s light, Linda reminder her that Rao wasn’t going to take her if she goes this way. They were screaming at each other, each controlling a little here and there, the landing destination was hovering between the balcony and the street. Kara no longer cared if Rao took her she just wanted this to be over her failures and the pain she was inflicting on everyone that she loved. Lena was not going to let her do this, she would protect Kara from herself she would find a way to get through to her and get her to talk to Lena. “I have always protect you, since first scream, I sit in ship in dark I protect you will not give up now you stupid cheerleader I will protect” the Russian screaming as she pushed Kara back.

 

She shakily pushed herself off the floor, she could have stopped the punch she could have dodged it, she could have knocked Lena out but she didn’t, she let Lena hit her, Lena needed it, deserved it and Alex felt that she probably deserved the punch in the face. They were both lashing out at each other over Kara and that just meant that they both loved her, as long as that was true there was hope. Alex had just got to her feet when both heard the most gut-wrenching scream Lena already aware of what that meant she grabbed Alex and pulled her towards the balcony, Alex wasn’t sure which way to go, but Lena squeezed her hand and the tough as nails agent squeezed back. Its from the north balcony Alex we need to get there now. Lena had a terrible feeling, the scream that primal screams she remembered it. The bad feeling worsened and became more constricting crushing the life out of Lena’s fragile heart. Glancing over Alex now beside her, she could see that same pain and fear in Alex’s eyes. They burst through the doors looking up at the sky they could see a battle raging and they both screamed, as if in just as much agonizing pain partnered with an unimaginable fear and uncertainty, but most of all regret. Neither really knew who’s scream they heard, theirs, Kara’s, Linda’s all they knew is they could see the last of the Heat vision leaving the body of the Kryptonian, and then watching her fall. They heard the declaration of protection from Linda and looked at each other more confused than ever, helpless they both watched as Kara/Linda fell.

Linda had managed as they fell to drift, although a little too far or not far enough as she careered into the top of the building not quite enough to grab hold but enough to break some ribs. She cried out and clutched her side as she then hit the orning that was shading Lena’s balcony breaking her left arm and crashing her head into the wall. The double impact and the force from falling so far had Linda choking on blood and reeling from the blows the air forces out of her chest, head throbbing and vision blurred Linda could just about make out two figures watching her colliding with walls breaking, out of control and heading over the railing to the floor. “OTKA3” Linda was screaming as she realised the trajectory would have her sail over the railing and still fall to the ground which would kill them both. A sinister dark laugh started within Linda’s head it was cold and on the edge of madness. “You will not do this stupid cheerleader protect is what I for and I will you will not, not give up you heard, don’t be stupid coward, you will not” the scream from Lena and Alex could be heard clearly by both Linda and Kara, it distracted Kara enough for Linda to take back full control and as they were slipping out of sight her right hand caught the railing and her body slammed into the building, she let out a groan and called to Alex and Lena “help, I can not hold”

Lena and Alex watched the last of the decent hearing the bones crunching and the cries as they watched the fragile body of the mighty kryptonian bounce off the roof the oarning. Lena crashed to her knees screaming and Alex Called as loud as she could for Kara to fight there was a sadistic laugh and then Kara bounced slamming into the wall and then fell over the railing. Alex was already running over when she saw the hand and then heard the small Russian voice. She grabbed hold of the wrist and heard the collision of the lower body with the building Alex cringed. She was not sure how many bones would be broken but there would be a lot. Linda would clearly be in a lot of pain and this was not going to be a easy fix. They were going to need to get Kara to the DEO, dam the presidential orders and other issues that she would need to face, Kara needed help and the DEO was the only place. “Damn it Lena I can’t hold her for long get over here and help me.” Lena’s head snapped up she hadn’t realised that Linda had grabbed the railing she had no desire to see what was going to be on the pavement and was a little busy with her own grief and pain until Alex spoke. Alex had her, Lena scrambled to her feet and ran towards Alex where there was a clearly straining agent leaning over the balcony with a hand around Linda’s wrist. Reaching down and grabbing hold too the two women pulled Linda up she was helping as much as she could and then as they had her over the railing they watched as Linda’s eyes rolled back in her head and she passed out. “we need to get her to the DEO and damn the consequences my sister is not dying today.” Lena shook her head “no bring her here we have better equipment closer follow me.”

The elder of the sisters looked baffled what was it that was closer than the DEO that would be better suited to treating her sister, she was in no mood to be told what to do, how to care for Kara, after all she had been doing this all her life it seems and Lena well she was too damn stubborn to see past her own pain to save her. Lena could see the indecision of Alex’s face and let out a long annoyed breath “Alex I have a whole floor just one floor down with all the lab equipment we could need, all the medical equipment that we could need, sun lamps and a variety of other options yes including kryptonite not that it is needed. I have the exact same set up here as I did at LCorp for Sam” Alex taken aback by the news, almost ready to interject when Lena stopped her. “ Let’s go! I know you are scared to move her Alex, but it’s Kara’s and Linda’s only chance to survive this!” That must have done it, because as reluctant as the woman was, she quickly slid arms under her sister’s body and carefully lifted her up. The minute she did so, she could feel how much lighter Kara was. Her sister had lost weight, though how she had with the way she ate was beyond her reasoning and definitely not the priority. “why do you have sun lamps?” Lena looked back as she was leading them to the Elevator, when the DEO cut ties with Supergirl I thought that at some point in the future she may need assistance, and I hoped that she would see that I was someone she could come to, I saw that you used them in the DEO and I have created well significantly improved ones in my lab”

 

Alex was getting mental and emotional whiplash from today and its events, trying to stay calm, having Lena open up to her about self harm, which she felt was just as much about Lena as Kara, then having Kara be angry with her, losing her temper, Lena hitting her and then she watched her sister fall from the sky. Then above all of that just when she thought the last of the revelations were happening, Lena has a kryptonian cell and medical experimentation facility in her home, lead the way Lena, just fifteen minutes ago she been wrestling with in a battle of unbridled fierce emotions unleashed, her rage and now she was entrusting her sister to Lena. Deep down she knew that everything over the past few days were hitting old insecurities and patterns, but she was anxious and angry and Lena, well she was there. Now, Alex was following Lena to some strange other place and with their surroundings, she remembered the first time she had seen the room. The tainted twisted memory of Sam’s possessor had her stomach knotting up thinking about Alex could feel the panic rising in her, this room was identical to the place where she had lost Sam, the place where they all nearly died, she couldn’t cope with the fear that this time they may not all be so lucky. She shoved the recollection aside, hoping that when they got her sister on the medical gurney that Rao would guide them through this terrifying and difficult challenge to bring both kryptonians back to them. “do you have medical personnel?” Alex looked up and wondered not knowing if between them they had enough skill to fix this.

Lena looked up at her and pressed her hand to the panel on the wall and the room came to life, the computer scanning and then reeling out a list of injuries. Compound fracture to left radius and ulna, left clavicle hairline fracture, dislocated left shoulder, severe concussion, skull fracture and small cerebral bleed, right shoulder torn rotator cuff, C6 to L4 vertebra fractures no spinal severing, ribs broken both left and right side from T4-8, right lung in danger of collapse due to Pneumothorax building, laceration to the spleen and internal bleeding from liver, Fractured pelvis and shattered right tibia. The last few minutes coursed through Lena’s mind and with it reality slapped her harshly in the face. The thought of all the injuries was too much no human could sustain that many and survive. Blinking twice, she quit thinking and just reacted as if in some form of auto-pilot. This was a Kryptonian, they were stronger. Kara would survive; she was hitting buttons that were calling people to the lab. There were definitely a few things on that list that would need additional help and from a doctor. “How much can the sun heal and how much do we need to treat?” Alex was frantic, sobbing and distraught, she was wide eyes and clearly in the middle of some kind of panic attack, she wasn’t breathing properly clearly not thinking and of no use to Lena or Kara in this current state. Lena reaching out and reacting with a swift slap to Alex’s face just like the one she felt within her when she snapped back to the present. The woman looked up, both fear and anger in those troubled eyes. “Alex Damn it pull yourself together don’t you think I want to fall apart too, if we fail she dies now what can the sun heal?”

 

Alex looked up ashen faced and shook her head. She had seen Kara flare many times an although the sunlamps recharge her cells they do not go back to being super until such time that Kara has a adrenaline spike, something that she is not going to be having while laying comatose in the lab. The sun will warm her and keep the cells healthy but the healing will be human until she is back to herself, Alex is still anxious and panicking although thanks to the slap she is focused a little more. She sets to work on things that she knows that she can do, moving quickly setting up drips and taking off what’s left of her sisters clothes and covering her with a blanket. She sterilised the area and makes a small incision cannulating the area for the Air in her chest to be relieved to avoid the lung collapsing. Continuing to keep herself busy preparing things for hopefully a Surgeon, Alex finally looks up at Lena and shakes her head. “although the lamps restore the sun to her cells until they are activated by Kara and a spike of adrenaline, there is nothing we can do except treat her as a human, because right now that is what she is, as fragile as one of us” the shock on Lena’s face told her that for all the research that Lex had done into the Kryptonians he didn’t know this, Lillian had, she knew that she could strip Kara of her powers and make her weak but she had not shared the information either.

 

Lena looked up at the panel there were people asking for access she threw the super quick to the side and took Kara’s glasses off, letting her hair loose and removing the kitten socks, bruising herself creating a more plausible Super hero in need scene. There was a buzzer and Lena open the door, doctors and nurses rushing in and starting to set up while a very pompous arrogant looking man walked in, everyone seemed to be bowing at his feet and Alex scoffed, to which she received a glare from Lena. Greeting the man, Lena handed over the pad and simply said the lab is yours. Heading over to Alex and removing her, Alex struggled and moaned, but Lena was deceptively strong and had managed to get a very tired and anxious Alex out of the room. “Don’t disrespect a member of my staff like that again Alex, you have no idea who he is or what it has cost to ensure that he is here in national city, he is the leading neurosurgeon and Cardiothoracic surgeon in the world, he is brilliant and he will give us the best chance of saving her, we can watch from here”

 

Hitting a few buttons there were screens showing information, heart rate, pulse blood pressure, there was the constant scans from the computer generating information on blood, medicine brain function. There were cameras of the table from a lot of angles to show everything that was happening, it was a better view than if they were in the room and they were not in the way, Lena of course was experiencing the trauma of Kara being hurt for the first time and was focused solely on fixing the issue to avoid feeling anything. Alex an old hand at this was doing what Alex did best, worry panic pace and push people away but being unbearably short and unpleasant. The two coping strategies were not working well at all, Lena trying to fix Alex, Alex being progressively more unpleasant until there was a point in which they snapped. They began shouting at each other, screaming and hurling insults like they were objects designed to break the other, and then before they knew it they were throwing punches at each other, both women frayed to within an inch of their mental capacity. They were in the midst of what could only be described as an aggressive hug rolling around on the floor throwing punches and kicks while holding each other impossibly close and crying when they heard a laugh. “I am guessing that something more has happened while I have been waiting an age for that god damn pilot to fly me here, why the hell didn’t we let me keep my powers again I could have been here before the school yard play.”

The women looked up to see Sam stood at the door, she still had access from before and had just let herself in she was expecting a broken penthouse which she found, but no Lena or Alex. She had been heading out when she saw one of the nurses rushing up to the elevator and she knew where they were which meant someone was hurt. Looking at the scene before her Sam knew exactly who that was without asking. She looked up at the screen and saw the list of injuries, “Holy Shit, what! did she get hit by a car, she clearly had to have flared, what the hell” Sam could understand in that instance just why the woman were so fraught, Kara was in a battle for her life, and if she was suffering from soul sickness she wouldn’t have the fight in her to survive. The depression would have stripped all hope and she would be weakened by the inability to eat, and well with no Kryptonian healing she was in trouble. All three women watched the screens in silence, as the surgeon worked on Kara, Lena’s head on Sam’s lap Alex’s head on her shoulder. Sam lightly stroked both women like she would for Ruby and sat staring at the screen. None of them spoke, they just watched, they watched as the sat’s dropped, they watched as the heart slowed, they watched as the nurses turned off the music and started working frantically, they watched as the line went flat and the screen disconnected.


	8. precious ones.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara/linda fall from the sky fighting and then they are pulled back from the brink, the pain and the confusion giving way to blackness when it becomes to much. finding themselves trapped within their shared body the battle rages on inside Kara. the two realise that they are not, ALONE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what is happening within Kara during the last chapter and a bit after the chapter finished, that why it appears to go back in time a moment to the falling.

There was sharp physical pain and excruciating anguish one moment, then there was the face of Alex, and then Lena, Linda smiled briefly as they fought to hold her to pull her up, to help her save the Kryptonian body, and by extension both of them. She knew that this was less to do with her and more the stupid cheerleader but she was looking at safety and home, the two things that she had initially remembered and they were looking at her. Things were clearing in Linda’s mind fragments of things that she didn’t understand becoming clearer. She smiled up at Alex and Lena and as they had managed to get her to the pivotal point where she knew she was saved. Linda allowed the pain to take her and the darkness took over her. In the darkness, there was a slow and hazy light growing and within this the dimmest of lighting, the pieces of her existence were coming together, only unleashing the worst of rage. Linda had been forged the first time that the stupid cheerleader had called for Rao, the point at which the Planet exploded, she had been unable to manage her own loss, her own grief and she was not happy to be the one who survived she wanted to go to, to be with Rao and that was it. It was the point that Linda had been torn into existence; she has been created in the fragile breaking mind of the young Kryptonian. To bear the loneliness, the sadness and the initial shock, at the point her mind was at the precipice it had split a fragment off, a protector who could bear it when she could not. Linda was aware of the sleeping girl in her mind but they couldn’t communicate. She was forged in pain and loneliness and now after being faithful, protecting her, being ripped out and placed in the world alone and devoid of access to who she was and now the stupid cheerleader was going to make her be alone forever out of Rao’s light. “you not condemn me to this darkness” 

The rage and the anger boiling over as she looked at Kara, she realised that they were in the woods, in the place of their physical fight, is that how this would be. She grabbed her other self’s arm and kneed her directly in the gut. Not once did Kara even try to defend herself, instead letting Linda do her worst. Neither of them had powers, they were not real as such, they were trapped in a joint mind, but the Linda tortured, trained and paused to within a inch of her life daily in Russia has skills Supergirl had never mastered. Alex had taught her everything she knew or anything she wanted to share with Kara, but it was nothing compared to what Linda had learned, Linda’s Alex was not safe, was not kind and did not care if she was hurt or taught to hate, he encouraged it he wanted it. Linda’s rage continued to grow and she continued to attack her other self “Stupid” Another punch hit her square in the jaw, blood spewing from her lips. “Selfish” Kara still didn’t attempt to fight back she just allowed the onslaught, she was getting what she wanted, she was close she could feel it, Linda would kill her in this space and then she would be free. She just let the blows keep coming, refusing to land one of her own and unable to if she could. “Foolish” She felt another knee punch to her body, this time at the side of her torso. “Worthless” Her body was lifted up then slammed onto the stone ground they had woken up on. Kara agreed with the assessment, all of this was true and more so, she had brought nothing but pain to everyone, she was unable to stop them feeling pain, unable to save people she was unable to be honest and brave, she was just worthless she couldn’t hold the weight of the world, her disappointment, her failure she couldn’t carry it all anymore it was not possible to bare. A small smile graced Kara’s lips she could feel that she was nearly done, Linda saw the smile and something changed, it was not working, she was not fighting back how she could have no spirit left not fight how could she just give up.

 

Linda realised that there would have to be something that would make Kara fight, she couldn’t protect her from herself, she couldn’t manage to save her this time, she had stopped Rao taking her and come forward, she had spent 25years in the phantom zone alone and frightened only having brief respite when Kara came out for a few moments, she had been the one to take over after the stupid Daxamite had gone, concentrating on being the super, it was Lena that had called the Kryptonian cheerleader forward then. And she was there ready to come forward when everyone was dead in the cave and the cheerleader used the ring to change things, and before Linda could get back, get away everything was different. She was cold and wailing, she didn’t know where she was or who, only she needed to find Alex and wanted to see home. When she was supposed to Kill Kara she couldn’t do as she was trained to do so but she couldn’t, then they fought and she thought she had, it didn’t feel right she hurt, then Alex he betrayed her and she knew it was Kara she had to save. Then she was inside, she was safe, slow realisation that this was where she belonged this is where she was supposed to be and other realisations of late that pieced it all together. The difference now, she could talk to her they were aware of each other, not of everything, Linda didn’t know anything about Kara from before, but she remembered herself now. She knew Kara she studied her, the only things to make her mad were attacks on her loves. “Undeserving of her love, of either of their love, I will make them sorry that they loved you, for making me go back there, the pathetic CEO and your stupid sister” That did it.

 

“This time, when the punch came at her face, she caught the fist and twisted the hand. Linda resisted the smirk and fought back, she shot up her leg and slammed the sole of her bare foot into her mirror image self’s stomach. With her away from Kara enough, her own rage bubbled to the surface. “You think, I don’t know that I am worthless” She punched Linda when she was still gasping for air. “I never wanted to hurt them, I love them but was always a little too slow or a little too weak, and yes a little too selfish and cowardly” She had, had enough and this time it was Russia’s Kaznia to be on the receiving end. “You think I wanted this? I didn’t, I wanted to be with my family with Rao but that was taken, then I came here and found them and wanted to be with them and wasn’t allowed not fully, all I do is hurt them” Linda hadn’t planned for Kara to fight her like this, thinking that the stupid cheerleader would just continue her whining ‘Woe is me’ attitude. Of course she knew that Kara would have to be able to fight and had a lot of skills, but this was a side she had only seen once, barely at that, when they fought before Alex showed up. In the real world version of this location, before Linda had won, or did she, this version of Kara was defiantly stronger than anticipated and more skilled. They were a blur of furious punches and kicks both landing and receiving blows. Kara wasn’t sure what it was that stopped this fury, but she quickly backed up and looked at both her bloody hands. That’s when she noticed, with widening eyes, that they were both wounded. “I - um” Kara began “Spare me your apologies! We are stuck here because of your cowardly way of things! If we die, I’ll pull you away from Rao and rip you to pieces with my bare hands! You stupid, stupid cheerleader! Skirt wearing idiot! Your stubbornness is our suffering! Wipe your bloodied nose before I begin round four on you, your choice is only to go back and make things right or die here with me” Kara did just that, then braced herself for the next attack, both women landing a vicious blow and landing on the floor, there was a single tone playing through the woods.

They both lapsed into unconsciousness and then there was scream, it wasn’t coming from them, it was not coming from inside, there were multiple voices, Alex, Sam, and Lena combined. Linda and Kara opened their eyes and looked at each other, they were not in the woods, they were in Kara’s apartment. Both exhausted, and unable to fight anymore, Kara wanted to get to Lena, to Alex, she needed to know that the screams were not the end of them, she wanted to get back to them, she wanted it more than anything, she didn’t deserve it but she wanted it. She looked over at Linda and out of the corner of her eye she realised that they were no longer alone. Linda looked up and saw Astra she remembered her now, she was here too normally. She approached both women, mirrored images indeed but that wasn’t her concern. Linda was older than she should be and it confused Astra to start with, why was it that she had changed forms? From the light of one being, she’d bore witness to the tearing of the single soul, into more, she herself was the carer the soother of Kara, and Linda, Linda her poor Linda, she was the protector of so much more than she realised, this was not the path she was dealt. Astra knew both, she spent time with them both but only when they were taking a back seat could she help she was confused as to how she had them both here. Linda, her guilt at not protecting the alternate one harboured a pain never dealt with but merely pushed down until forgotten, this had been accessed and turned to Rage. Astra could see it and her heart ached. Astra knelt down to Linda, brushing strands from her face, noticing the absence of what had set them apart and stood back up to kneel to the other, gently tracing her face and the scar there. “My precious ones, why have you hurt each other so, and if your both with me who is out there?”

The concern was etched on Astra’s face as she looked at the two women, they were beaten and battered, “This was never your path Little One. I have never wanted this for you, nor should this hellish existence be yours to bear. Linda looks as Astra sooths the other, Kara, always preferred always the chosen. Linda, scrunches her face as she watches wishing to be someone’s first choice, someone who was not innately evil and manipulative, someone who would be caring. Astra feels that rage, the pain, the loneliness, “my precious one, you doubt that you two have anything in common. You gave her, a chance to live, a chance taken from her on the whim of a monster. It wasn’t something you could have seen or stopped but you can give her peace now. Linda was your protector and she gave herself for you, she isn’t meant to be out there she needs you to be strong Little one.” Astra sat down and pulled her niece into her lap to gently stroke her hair. She looked over to Linda a different set of blues watched her comforting Kara who was in her arms, then her eyes moved to the one who held the cheerleader in a show of comfort. Memories of Astra starting to filter in she was here with me before, another for me to talk to who helped. She was here now, she wasn’t here before something was different and Linda knew it, Astra was looking at Linda with such a soft expression. “My special one, this has been difficult on you, I didn’t know where you went but neither of you were here, I can see that this, whatever happened has taken a toll on you both.”

 

Astra had continued to stroke Kara’s hair, she was not sure why she had not woken yet, why Linda had but Kara was not, but then Astra could feel how sick Kara was, she was soul sick and the likelihood was that due to the split in her soul there was some additional protection that Linda and others were offering at this time, a small piece of her soul in each safe. “You have both been through so much and I am here now, I am here to help.” Astra smiled over at Linda, gritting her teeth refusing to speak, refused to look at her, she was not there for her like normal she had chosen the other, as with everyone else, she thought Astra was hers but she was wrong as normal she was not the one not the special one. “Your fury is not wrong Linda and I understand it all too well. She gave you life and tried to save it when you were in the gravest of dangers. You try to hate her, for her mistakes but what if I told you that Kara had never believed herself worthy of anyone. When she was forced into a household and forced to push responsibility on my precious, one and her family, her guilt she felt but like every other pain she buried it. She believed she could save the madman and tried to. She believed in you, even as you became a part of her again. She believes in you now, believes you worthy of them and not herself.” Linda couldn’t understand what was being said, how she knew how the other was feeling. How did she know anything about it, Linda knew that she was not worthy, and what’s more she didn’t want to be there she didn’t want to have to be in that world. “She’s stupid and..” Linda was cut off by Astra. Softly shaking her head and holding up her hand.

 

“She’s more human than she is kryptonian and that is a gift from Rao himself, on the destruction of her home she was calling him, asking him to take her, he gave her a blessing and curse, I was here first, then there was you too, you took her place and suffered the zone, I had her and soothed her heart. She is also so broken the frailty given literally allowed our creation, and any pain that she brings to others she breaks even more. She feels it all too deeply and at times it is too much and she needs you to shoulder it for her while I sooth her. Her greatest enemy has always been herself. Even when facing you in battle, she was fighting herself more than you. She didn’t want to hurt you and when she knew you could hurt her, when you fired what you did, she flared to fall and feel a pain she needed to have to finally stop her agony. She was ready to go to Rao twice and both times she has been stopped” Linda found the strength to crawl, falling mere feet from where Astra was showing affection she yearned for most of all now. Even with holding the cheerleader was, her wrist was grabbed and body pulled the rest of the way. Astra now with both of them resting on her smiled softly; there had never been a time where she could hold both and it made her heart swell, having her special one and her precious one in her arms. Their aunt adjusted the one already in her arms, until both their heads were in her lap. She stroked both the girl’s hair and allowed silence to fall for a while, allowing them to both calm and rest they had been through so much, the tone was still there and then there was a flash like lightening and a strange beep before returning to a flat tone. Astra knew that they didn’t have much time left and if she was going to be able to put this right she would need to do it quickly. She would need to call forward Ella and Zanda, Kara’s anger and physical protector, but Linda needed to understand first.

 

It has always been Astra’s job to protect the mind and heart, to sooth to reassure, Kara would remember doing things but as a haze like its a dream, Astra made sure of it, she was there to protect her after all and if she lost time so often people would notice. Ella’ had taken control a few times, and mostly when Red K was about although there was a particularly lovely outburst at Cat Grant. Zanda a warrior had been in control when fighting Clark and Bizzaro and some of the second fights Kara had failed Zanda would fight next. She was tough, like Astra’s real self, the Astra that Kara came to know in true form only when she came to earth. Linda needed to know the truth now and then the others were needed, Zanda would ensure Ella was kept in line it was time that they all got back together. “She has never hated anyone but herself she still does. She knows you don’t hate her. She knows you are angry and no longer wants to fight” Astra began to run a hand in Linda’s hair, “Her request to have you take her place permanently isn’t possible. The Wise One will do her best, as will Brave One, but we are not meant to be here, Strong One. You are meant to walk with me, and the others it’s time for us to join Rao and release her soul, but before you do, I will send you back to them one last time to bring life back into her body as you heal it without the aid of Krypton. Your greatest gift, greatest power, is of a pure soul.” The thought of returning even if it was only once didn’t appeal to Linda, and she was not convinced that she was the one that should be doing anything as a pure soul.

 

Looking at Astra with tears in her eyes Linda spoke softly and quietly, showing the fragile vulnerability that came with her true self “How could my soul be pure. The things I have done” Astra shook her head and continued her tender touch. Astra understood she had been watching through Kara what was happening, Linda had been manipulated and treated poorly this was not her fault, she was never supposed to be out in the world like that. She had the strength needed to be vulnerable and a light that no darkness could extinguish it was the purest of souls that she held able to bare the darkness and the sadness the loneliness and pain without diminishing the light she held. “Take her hand now, hold it with your heart not your mind and feel what has been blind before to you.” Linda turned some and took her double’s hand, grasping it, she was still not awake and Linda didn’t know why she was cold, and Linda was concerned that she had done too much damage that it was irreversible. She gasped with images flooding her head. She heard the voices of hope and saw the memories so beautiful. She watched every fight, even the last one with Reign. She watched and heard how even as cruel as Reign had been, how Kara tried to reason with her. No matter the foe, she tried to help them. She had protected Lillian and she had tried to save her Alex’s life. She had taken on everyone else’s pain into herself and punished herself each time. As everything flooded into Linda she slowly returned to who she was, taking her normal form, a beautiful 11 year old girl full of wonder and light. “Rao” Linda hadn’t realized the tears had escaped, not even trying to wipe them away. Astra looked at Linda and wiped away the tears, “that heart the light the pure soul that you see, that is you, that is what you represent in Kara that is your legacy, since you have been gone she had been unable to bare the darkness that is why she has been hurting herself you were not there.”

 

Linda looked at Astra, all the different parts from the same soul, and each piece was important and needed, they needed to all be a part of Kara, all there together, that is why they couldn’t be out for long, why there was so many difficulties with Linda, why she felt so wrong, why so much was missing. “Return and return the light, you need to go back and breathe life into her go to her with your pure heart with love and recharge her, then return to us, we will all be waiting and ready to combine so that we can be one once more and be assured a place in Rao’s light. As the lights began to Flicker again Astra sent her back, there was a small gasp after the Lightning struck and Linda returned. As she did she saw Astra, an older woman covered in scars, a very surly looking woman glaring at her and Kara now awake sitting in the middle on them? She looked confused and a little scared, she looked at Linda and her brow crinkled. “it is time my precious ones Linda is home, her task complete” Kara was shocked when she realised the small girl was Linda, she had been introduced to the control, and heart/mind protectors other helpers while they waited, she recognised red K Kara by energy and there was comforting strength in the warrior, she instantly felt terrible for her treatment of Linda she was only a child. “please don’t worry, that is what I do, I love you Kara” Linda hugged Kara, and all the others joined the hug as they all melted away into Kara, the monotone noise became a rhythmic and strong beep. Kara sat feeling stronger than ever before and more herself, she had hope again, and knew she just needed to wait.


	9. time heals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena Alex and Sam wait in the room distraught, until they hear the beeps, then they have to face the truth of just how far the super has fallen and how broken she is. realising there was much more to Linda than met the eye and that Kara may have been struggling longer than they thought. Alex and Lena still unable to get along and Sam has enough of their childish behaviours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry i thought i had posted number 9, i was planing on posting 10 but i realised that i haven't done 9 yet, apologies.
> 
> As always comments and likes appreciated and any ideas prompts or suggestions @Tukma11 is always open

The three women fell silent once they had all expelled all the air in their lungs and silence fell across the room, giving way to mournful sobs, Lena thought that she could actually hear what was left of her heart disintegrate as she started to cry. Silent and vacant her face was frozen in a look of devastation and pain, the only movement was the tears streaking down her face. Alex was less controlled, her body slumped until she was on her knees staring at the now blank screen, only the one with a flat line remaining, taunting her, it was her the sobs were coming from, they were agonising as the director lost all ability to think or move from her slumped position, body racked with guilt at being unable to save her sister, shaking, weak and uncooperative her body was crumpled on the floor. He breath catching in her chest as the sobs made it harder and harder to breath at all and she was gasping for breath as she sobbed uncontrollably on the floor. Sam well she was who she is, glassy eyes and soft trails of a tear streaked face, but she was someone who had struggled, lost and learned to depend on herself to be strong in a very different way to the others, she looked at the woman knowing that there was little they were going to be able to manage, and found it ironic, if the roles were reversed it was Alex in the room, Sam would look like Lena, she understood that love, she loved Alex and had once seen a future for them, if it was Lena, her best friend she would have sobbed like Alex. Maybe it was because she had distanced herself from Kara after the Reign incident that made her calmer right now, but now she knew that kind of freedom to just feel and react was something she didn’t have time for since she became a mum everything else came first she could always break down later.

Sam stood and looked at Lena, placing her hands on each arm and positioning herself in Lena’s eye line. “Lena, you love her and I know that if she was gone, you would know it, look inside yourself she is still here she is still fighting, god damn it she is Supergirl, there is no way the beacon of hope has given up, I know that it looks bleak, I know but she wouldn’t have given up completely. She will fight for you, she loves you and you love her” she looked at Lena, and saw that the words were not enough to break through at this point, that infernal flat line was saying that Kara was dead and that was all that Lena was listening too, then there was a beep and then it returned to flat line, Lena flinched at the beep but didn’t seem to be able to reanimate. “Damn it Luthor, she is going to need you to be there, need you to be strong, you can be a Zombie for now, but the moment that heart starts to beat you, well you need to pick yourself up because your girl needs you.” Sam moved from Lena and looked to Alex, First aid always said to go to the quiet casualty first Alex was definitely not quiet, she pulled her into her arms to help her, repositioning her body so she was not constricting herself and stroked her back as she had been when Alex was sitting on the chair. “Breath for me Alex, come on sweetheart breath it’s important you need to relax. She will need her big sister, you are her rock you know that, she needs you” Alex tried to breath but being called sweetheart did not help in fact being so close to Sam after so long was not helping at all with breathing. Alex thought that she was completely over her crush, her infatuation, her love for Sam it had been a year but obviously not. “She tried to kill herself, Sam it looks like she managed that” Sam looked at her and shook her head. “Alex, if she wanted to be dead she would be, she did this where you could help where Lena could help where people were with her, she was not trying to die, she was asking for you both to save her” Alex just looked at the flat line and let out a small cry of pain, “she asked, I failed”

There was another beep on the line, they were clearly trying to resuscitate Kara in the other room, I had no idea why they would leave that camera on, it seemed cruel to leave us with a flat line. Then all of a sudden there was another beep and then there was another, and another, regular rhythmic beeps were now coming from the screen. Sam was the first to notice maybe because she was the only one not completely taken over with grief. “you haven’t failed Danvers look, look at the screen, Lena, come on Lena snap out of it look” the rhythm was good, the sat’s all came back on, she was fighting she was going to be alright Sam knew it. That girl was stronger than anyone that Sam had ever known and she was going to be fine. Sam knew the only reason that Reign was able to hurt her was because the whole time Kara wasn’t willing to give in, to give into the level of darkness needed to kill Sam, she knew that Kara wanted to save her preserve some of her home world and put herself on the line, pushed herself to the brink to avoid hurting her, she had seen her fight superman and knew she could fight harder, but she hadn’t, she wouldn’t, her hope, her love, her soul was too strong. She was living with and surviving soul sickness and she was still able to defend the world. It was true Kara was the strongest amongst them, regardless of how broken she is at the moment, she was going to pull through, she was going to be ok. Although Kara may currently be experience the worse mental health issues that a Kryptonian could face if there was anyone who could manage, if there was anyone that could beat this, get over the depression and the sickness the mental collapse that she was suffering, it would be Kara and she would need both Lena and Alex to do it.

Alex was able to pull herself up and off the floor and took a seat, Lena was still staring blankly, how was it possible that the heart beat had not pulled her from this. Lena was lost inside her own mind, she was frantically searching for an option, could she create something that would go back to before this happened?, to help her to stop her hurting herself. Was there a way to change the portal to do this?, could she go back and tell her the truth?, could she stop herself from breaking her?, can she get her back? is there away to get her back?, she still didn’t know if everything would be ok, but she knew she wanted to try she wanted Kara to be ok, she wanted her back, she loved her, she always had, she knew all this, the moment the tone sounded, the moment that flat line showed that she had lost everything, that was the point she knew that she needed Kara, she loved her and would do everything in her power to make her well to keep her well, to forgive her genuinely and completely. Sam was back in front of Lena, “God Damn it Lena you are a Luthor, and it’s time to let your Luthor DNA pull you out of this because I am done with this now, wake up, look at the screen, Damn Lena stop being so broken and get your shit together, you have wallowed enough, time to act, she is ALIVE” Lena blinked twice and focused on the screen showing the heart beat letting out the breath that was clearly trapped in her chest.

There was a very tense few hours that followed, Lena and Alex filled Sam in with everything that had been happening all the things that she had missed, Kara somehow losing weight, hurting herself and pushing people away, the mind wipe. Sam listened to them talking, Lena was still hurt about the lies and everyone hiding things from her but sam reminded her of the conversation with Alex about Sam and her secret, Alex smirked which earned her a glare from both women. As the conversation was progressing the two women were getting more and more snippy at each other, Lena has been distant from Kara and pushing her away and had been spending more time with Alex, which made Kara feel like she wasn’t wanted, so she spent more time doing other things and then there was the problem with Jimmy and Kara wasn’t there, there had been arguments, and Alex had been quite upset with the way Lena had abandoned her sister. Alex sniped at Lena and caused Lena to clench her Jaw and glare at Alex. Then Lena started with the way Alex had treated supergirl and how she had been so unkind to her. Making her call her director and sending her away, how she had been lying to Kara about what they did to keep her safe and that it wasn’t fair, Lena had taken Kara with her at every turn. Sam was 6 years older than Alex and 10 years older than Lena, and right now she was feeling every single one of those years. She felt like having Ruby at 16 has somewhat prepared her for this but Ruby even at her worst teenage rebellion was not as hard to handle as wrangling these two women. “Damn it you two stop it already, I get it you both love her you both want to help, you both lash out and your both blaming yourselves, each other and the entire world but for the love of Rao STOP” The screen Flickered and there was Kara, broken battered and laying on the medical bed with bandages and drips, there was one person sat with her just monitoring and then the door opened and the Doctor arrived. He had managed to set the bones, repair the lacerations, release the cranial pressure and deal with the cardiac arrest, it was now a waiting game. 

The doctor was not happy about being dismissed but he was eventually convinced as the team would be on call within the building, Alex would be taking over now as the Alien expert and the remaining treatments needed were all classified. All the staff, were going to be paid for the hours they were needed. Alex and Sam watched, Zombie Lena was definitely gone and the CEO was back in charge. Sam was instructed to show them to the guest suite and to get situated herself in her apartment, Sam knew her away around and had full access, leaving Lena and Alex alone with Kara. Lena explained about the modified sun lamp tech that she had developed, it wasn’t so much lamp as a beam from the satellites that would be concentrated sunshine although it could be reduced in strength until Kara could bare it, unable to fathom anything that Lena was telling her, Alex was all consumed with the image of Kara on the bed. All she knew she had failed her sister. It tore at her, realising how far Kara had fallen into this darkness, this epitome of hell, unable to climb back out. The mind wipe did enough damage and all Alex could think about was it hadn’t been worth doing. She has not been there when Kara had needed her and that was on her, but the issue of the soul sickness that was on Lena. She felt that weight, that guilt and shame and all it did in the end was hurt Kara worse. Leave her alone and abandoned, when she was needed the most when she could have had someone there someone who loved her. She didn’t believe that Lena didn’t love her, quite the opposite but she believed Lena didn’t love her enough and couldn’t forgive her enough and this was the result. “None of it will matter Lena we are doing all this and she is still sick and you still won’t give her what she needs.” Lena snapped back, “stop right there Alex, this is not your place, I am dealing with a lot myself here, I have had three days to process, and they have been quite eventful, you will not put this on me and just expect me to be fine I deserve time she had three years”

 

Something deep inside Alex snapped again, this time it was hate she didn’t really hate Lena she knew this, it was the situation, the pain, the fact that her beautiful sister. Who hated herself far more than she had realised and far more than she deserved. She hated having to hide, to lie and that’s just what they all made her do. Her Mom did it, her dad, J’onn and the worst them all...her. Alex realised that her sister hated herself enough to be doing these things to herself to try to feel anything else, and that it was Alex too, Alex made Kara suffer over and over, not just because of the wipe. She forced her to believe, to understand, how important keeping the secret was. The guilt, the loss, loneliness, even though she has many other people it is Kara that she holds dearest she knows that, she would be broken without her, Lena was the only person that could fix this and she was angry. Alex slightly turned her head, noticing the good for nothing Luthor on the phone She narrowed her eyes, focusing the woman, why wasn’t she comforting Kara trying to help, she was in her all business attitude. She gave off confidence, even when she was nowhere near as collected as she thought she was. Alex composed her mannerisms carefully, adjusting her body language and counting to fifty in her head, whatever it was she was doing on her phone was not as important as Kara, she should be getting all her attention right now. “step back, Alex I said step back you are in the way, please move” Alex looked up to see Lena ordering her about and still she was trying to relax to calm. Lena places her hand on Alex shoulder to push her back, a flash of anger came across her face, Kara was still alone. “I want to give her a blast of sun to help with the healing but it will hurt us, we need to stand back a bit” Alex moved back and Lena held up her phone pressing a button which turned on the lights surrounding Kara with a burst of sun. Just for a few seconds, she didn’t want her to burn.

Alex still watched cautiously, then noticed Lena moving forward and taking one of her sister’s wrapped arms so very carefully, taking her hand in just as much tenderness and dropping into the stool beside the bed. Her head was down and the woman was crying, so distraught looking. She hadn’t doubted that Lena cared, that she loved Kara just that she would act in time, and her previous statement hadn’t helped dispel those fears. Alex instantly felt bad for her un checked thoughts, although she has almost as quickly as they came dispelled them, the thought of hurting Lena, pulling her gun, anything just to make her admit to Kara how she felt, That...kind of went out the window when Alex saw the way Lena is holding Kara’s hand. Their eyes met and Alex reached out and wiped Lena’s tears from her face. “Please, Lena, don’t take too long contemplating this.” She grabbed the other stool and looked down. “Please don’t just give up on her, she never would, never did, never could give up on you” She cursed under her breath as she too shed tears some more. It apparently was becoming a regular thing. Then there was a soft moan and words spilling out from the lips of well whoever was laying on the bed. “Alex...Lena...no... No..please..come...back. Don’t...please..don’t..leave me. I am so sorry I didn’t.. I didn’t mean to hurt...you” The voice, that frail weak and barely heard voice, wasn’t Linda. It was Kara, their Kara not angry and shouting, not Linda, just broken, sad and scared Kara Zor-El. “Don’t wan...want to hurt them....no more...stop now.... No...no more..no..more...Sup..er. No.... lies...just me...they just need one...just let me be what....what they need.... ordinary....human.....take away everything... I don’t want it...means nothing with...noone...to protect” Were they hearing what they thought they were? Neither said a word, but Alex took her sister’s other hand softly. There was a selection of unknown voices, all coming from Kara, but none that was actually her, each pledging to be with her always, each reminding her that they are all part of her all telling her it’s time to go home, to be whole, to love and be loved. Alex recognised the harshness of Red K although she was being Kind, there was Astra too she was sure especially as the last words spoken was “now within you little one, you have the strong, the brave the true, the precious and me all within, just look within, Rao is with you as are we all”

 

Kara seemed to settle and her breathing and heart rate calmed. Alex and Lena looked at each other and were not sure what the hell they has just witnessed, it wasn’t until Sam placed her hand on Lena’s shoulder either spoke. “Sam how long have you been there? Did you hear any of that does it make sense to you?” Alex was looking at her with a hopeful look that was replacing the forlorn expression that she had been carrying all day. Sam looked at Lena who had a similar expression on her face although both were looking exceptionally confused and Sam couldn’t blame them. She pulled up another stool and sat down with her friends and smiled somewhat sadly. “I have an understanding of something from the texts that were connected with me being a world killer, and I think that it could help explain, it also explains how Kara has been able to maintain her sanity and her life for so long with the soul sickness. Alex flexed her jaw and grit her teeth, that was something else she needed a better understanding of. “so in the old religion there was magic, that magic was used to allow Reign and the other world killers to grow and blend in until they were activated to parts of the same soul in one body. They would be a split entity only one being able to be in the surface at any time. That’s how I was blacking out when reign was in control and how you were able to switch us. It was a technique used for assassins and spy’s years gone by, before there was even life on earth, it made for the perfect disguise because they literally didn’t know the other existed. The new religion, the new way of thinking with Rao, well that was considered a gift from him, at a time of great pain, great upheaval he would create a split in the soul, it would allow a part of the soul to remain unaffected by the events, it created an alternate personality almost a new individual within the host, they took on a role a function and would be called forth when needed. I wondered how the Haron-el split Kara, it was able to split me because I was already split, it would appear so was Kara, but there wasn’t just one other in there. If each of those individual parts of Kara harboured a piece of her soul, then a significant portion would have been safe from the sickness, and her struggling because of Linda being missing would also make sense, you have both said she hasn’t been right this last year.”

 

Lena and Alex both sat in silence, Lena was thinking back to the time that she had reign and how she was able to call them back and forth with different stimuli and she wondered what it was that caused the switch, clearly Linda had come out due to pain, Kara was in emotional pain, and then Kara came when Angry but was it Kara, was Kara the one that snapped at Alex, was it possible to know which bits where Kara and which were not, Lena’s mind was a swirling vortex, all she thought she knew being sucked into it. Not only was there the lies now there was the possibility that some of the things that Lena loved about Kara were not even her, they were someone else that was just hanging out with the CEO she was so confused. Alex was thinking about it all too, “so are you suggesting that my sister has or had Dissociative Identity Disorder and it would have been caused by a severe trauma, like I don’t know watching Krypton explode, and now all of her personalities have merged into one meaning that her soul is whole and will now all be effected with soul sickness meaning that instead of dealing with Kara split into multiple parts we have to deal with the thing that only Lena can fix and she is currently looking like she is about to leg it.” Alex’s voice was becoming more frantic and higher pitched as she spoke. Sam looked at her worried and Lena could hear the anger rising again, she could hear that Alex was close to exploding and she needed Kara and all the tubes out of the way.

 

Composure be damned. Professionalism be damned. Pride be damned! Alex was loosing it, her sister could hate her later, as long as she was alive and awake. As Sams words hit her she realised that Kara;s time was now limited and the only person that could help was still dragging her feet. Kara was dying and it was going to happen quicker, goodbye common sense, friendship and self respect and hello chaos. Her plans to step back, assess the situation, flew out the damn window the moment Alex realised she was powerless to help. In a second flat, Alex had Lena ripped away from Kara’s body, a hand around her throat and slammed against the wall. “Alex” Lena called hoping that she would come to her senses but she knew that there was no way at this point that Alex was in control. The moment she tried to speak the agent’s name she felt her back and back of skull slap the wall hard enough for Lena to see stars. Her feet were now off the floor and Lena was struggling with Alex, using a move that Alex had in fact taught her, she managed to pry the hand from around her throat and get out of her grip. Alex barely focusing, there were not thoughts in her head she was fixated on pummelling, the reason for all her sister’s pain. The woman that she called friend that loved her sister but not Quite enough. You will not run out on her Lena not now, not when you are the only thing that keeps her breathing. Lena let out a sob and then clenched her Jaw, Alex you know I love her, this is a lot and I need time to process it it's not fair to ask this of me to expect me to pledge my life to her when right now my heart and mind is in a perpetual state of shock and pain, which you are not helping at all. God damn it Alex, we are friends, she means the world to us both do you really want me to say yes now and end up hurting her every day for the rest of her life because I couldn’t forgive her like I couldn’t forgive Lex, do you think she deserves the torment of a relationship with me like I had with him, I love her to much to hurt her like that.” 

“You no longer get to play that sympathy card, Lena, this isn’t about you right now its about her, look at her, she is broken and hurt and so very fragile and I cant help her I am useless, I pulled her from heaven, traumatised her and kept her here when she wanted to go, I hurt her over and over without meaning to and I cant make any of it right, I cant help her, I would give my life for her, but what she needs is love, and it has to be yours.” Alex collapsed to the floor in front of Lena and started to cry again, she was not handling this well at all. Lena took a deep breath and clenched her Jaw, “I am going to do my best to forget this happened because I know that your upset Alex but I am telling you now, you will not touch me again or I will do more than punch you in the face, and you will treat me with some respect Alex or so help me I will end you, and Kara would not be happy with me if I did that. People think I don’t care but I do, deeply and you should know that, and I refuse to become your sisters anything if I think for one moment that it will become toxic and I will slowly poison that beautiful soul. I am asking for time and if you don’t give it to me I will have you thrown out of my building and you will not be permitted access you will be on the outside as I have been, alone and without that which means so much to you. You are stronger Alex but never forget I am a Luthor and I protect what I love, there is no line I will not cross, even if I have to protect her from myself.” Sam coughed and got the attention of the women “Do you two always have to play so rough?” She asked, flicking her eyes from one to the other. “Feuds later ladies; both of you get out, get showered, get coffee, get food, but mostly get your shit together and I’ll stay with her. She needs a calm face, a calm voice and a gentle touch. You might have that soft hand Danvers, but your emotions are ruling your actions right now. Lena, you can’t sit here with her when both guilt and doubt are no longer stirring from the same pot inside of you, you don’t need to have made a decision, but she doesn’t need to see the face of the woman she loves so torn over the question can you love her back. I know this sickness is going to take her eventually but she is strong, she is going to need her safe place, which is you Alex and her love and hope with is you Lena, she needs you both, you are both such a big part of her. You two pull your heads out of your asses and work together or you’ll never get her back. Now get out and don’t come back until you can be civil” they could have sworn they saw a flash of red in Sam’s eyes, Lena and Alex looked at each other and exited. “I will call if there is any change”.


	10. All become one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The doctors finished their work and Alex Lena and Sam are allowed to See Kara, Lena dismisses everyone to standby and the three girls wait together, Sam has two teenagers or toddlers, she cant decide to deal with and has to send them away there is just to much at stake for them to be behaving like this there was no need for Kara to return to this kind of atmosphere. she needed the people she loved to be strong and Sam was going to make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you have been enjoying the journey, there is a chapter with my Beta right now, she will be finished soon enough i hope and i will try to get the next bit out as soon as i can after as i think we are getting to a end.
> 
> I would like to thank people who have been reading and commenting on the story it is always so nice for me to get a comment or a like on something i create.

Sam waited until both were away and out of the room, listening to their griping and bitching as they left. “I am sure that somewhere in there you are listening to all of this Kara, you may be in your temple or forest or whatever it is that your mind has created but I am sure that you can hear them. They both love you so much, but they both have such terrible coping mechanisms. Kara, they need you as much as you need them”. Sam thought back to when she was reign she was split there was two distinct people but what she had heard was more than that, she wondered how Kara had managed all these years on earth without anyone noticing that there were different versions of her in there. Sam understood the complicated dynamics better than most, she understood the screaming in your own head to get in or out depending on what was needed at any given time, but Sam had always lost time when she was gone, this did not seem to happen to Kara, she wondered why, what was different. The bickering outside subsided and Sam knew that the women had either gone in different directions or they had worked out how to be friends again, even when they were carrying so much on their shoulders. Sam wished that she could show them that they are both trying to carry the same load and the struggle that they have is with each other wanting to carry it all. “Sleep rest Kara, but come back they do need you, no matter what you think they do”

 

On the other side of the door there had been some bickering, and there had been some cross words but this time there was no fighting. Alex couldn’t help but think that Lena had been doing as well as can be expected under the conditions and it is just the dire need and imminence of the situation that is making her reaction seem ridiculously slow and painfully harsh. In reality it’s been a few days to sort through three years of issues and a lot of conflicts and by the way she put the power into that right hook of hers incredibly strong emotions. Lena was looking at Alex, she had gotten close to Alex over the past few months and they became friends independently and even with the mind wipe, even with most of Kara removed, the thing that Lena loved most about Alex was how fiercely protective she was of the adorable Kara, she took so much upon herself and always blamed herself for all that went wrong. Alex was a protector in nature and Lena could see how in this case it would put them at odds. Although Lena would do anything for Kara, Loved Kara and wanted nothing more than for her to be happy, she didn’t want to risk Kara living a life with someone who couldn’t forgive her, would constantly use it to manipulator her. It was never Kara, or her love Lena doubted but as always she doubted her own ability to be good, not just a Luthor. Both women caught in their own thoughts for a moment turned to each other apologising. Lena for appearing not to care, when it is in fact the amount she cares causing the issue, and Alex for pressuring Lena who really had not had long to think about this, it was Lena’s use of the Luthor name that cause Alex to take Kara’s normal position and say “you are not just a Luthor, Kara never believed that and neither will I Lena, I know that I have been behaving appallingly but I just couldn’t imagine a world without that bubbly blond and her infectious smile, she is my sister” Alex moved into Lena and hugged her. The two women went to get cleaned up and have some food it had been a very tiring few days.

 

Sam sighed, sitting beside this hero who had given her life back, who in the process of doing so had allowed herself to be almost killed by her alter ego. She had given her time with her mother and her daughter and a continued life, through her kindness and hope, and some how she had lost her own hope her own ability to maintain the light in her life. Which of late had been exceptionally dark, and where had Sam been, well hiding from her memories, running from her failures. If it hadn’t been for Supergirl, no, if it hadn’t been for Kara, her friend one who was so much like a sister, all would have been lost for both Arias’. At least now Sam was here, right where she needed to be, sat next to Kara, helping keep Lena and Alex in one piece and hopefully able to help when she finally wakes. She is not Kara, she can’t hold this crazy make shift family together like Kara but she was going to do her best to ensure there was something to come home to. Sam took Kara by the hand and carefully held it between hers, it is ok Kara, you’re not alone and I will be here when you are ready to come back to us.

 

Since leaving National city it had been nothing but nightmares, she has attacked her friends had broken so many things in the Super, had almost taken Lena’s love away from her in front of her eyes and she didn’t even know, she had almost made the woman she had been falling for lose her sister. She knew that this was Reign and that this was not her, but the guilt was massive. It has taken months and months for the nightmares to stop. For her to wake up and not feel the guilt of what she had done, Kara had this in abundance and by the sound of it from several different alternative personalities. It also sounded as though the past year has been harder on everyone than she had been told. Kara had no one over the last year. In some strange twist of fate, Sam couldn’t be there for Kara. Kara had risked it all, even her own life, to give Sam back hers and now it was possible for Sam to help give Kara her life back. Firstly she needed to help her with her emotions and understanding all the facets and allowing them to own their actions. “Kara you are going to feel guilty and sad and possibly want to be here even less than you have done recently, but when you wake up we will be here, you can talk to me about the experience, Alex will as always be your rock and Lena she will as always be your heart, I have faith in her dont give up ok, just come back to us now ok. You are the bravest person I have ever met Kara Zor-El. Each challenge you have faced each one dying a little each time you had to do something you didn’t believe in to save others, taking all that pain into yourself. These cruelties should not be forced on you, not for all you have sacrificed. You have hurt enough, sacrificed enough, you have pulled back in your own hope until it is strong , let me give you hope, let me help you show you it will be ok, then you can be the hope you are for everyone else.” 

 

Sam had been filling the room with chatter more for herself really, she was finding it difficult waiting and watching for her friend to wake, for Kara to return. Sam took a deep breath shut her eyes and was just about to speak when a frail voice was heard. She dared not open them, merely listening attentively. “she is gone, they are all gone I am alone, they do not wait in the wings any longer, who will save me now, but they are part of me. They walk in Rao’s light with Astra and I am left behind again, to face it all. Sam couldn’t help but think that there was still a fight going on inside her friend, the others have been taken in to give her strength but Kara still didn’t want to come home. Sam had thought Kara would come back by now, however it appeared that there was nothing but sadness in the voice coming from Kara, she was hoping that there was enough for Kara to try, but Sam thought her friend would stay in the darkness, she would choose to wither away and leave them, that she wouldn’t fight back but a slight squeeze of her hand said otherwise. “That a girl. Fight. Fight to get back to us Kara, we all love you and need you, we are all here and we will be waiting open arms for your return” Another squeeze and now Sam was fighting back tears. “That’s it Kara come back to me, come back to us we all want you home we all need you back” Sam sent a text to both Lena and Alex, this was Earth’s mightiest champion, she was fighting her way back and Sam would be damned before she woke up not surrounded by people who loved her. This was the kind of person that she looked up to, admired and believed in. Alex’s fury had to wait, had to be dissipated. Lena’s coldness, frosted heart and anger had to go. Sam said that Kara was waking and they would be coming back and they would be behaving or they would lose her forever, and they needed to know what they are fighting for, they are fighting for Kara, for a world with hope, for a world with love. Part of Sam wanted to sock both women, if there even think of holding back right now. However one of the three of them had to stay sane enough to help Kara back to this world. “They are on their way Kara, I am here and they will be here soon”

 

Alex and Lena get the text and they are both on the way down to the Lab, they meet in the room and walk in together unified, calm and ready to be there for Kara. “They will be here I promise please Kara, please wake up, I am here and they are on their way” Slowly but surely, eyelids pulled back and those Azure blues unlike any on Earth, became visible to Sam. A wide smile broke across Sam face as she saw the beautiful eyes, their gazes met and she gave Kara the most softest of smiles, squeezing her hand. “You came, you came back to see me, welcome back, welcome home sister. Alex, Lena, I hurt them too, they will leave like you, like everyone, Astra, Mom, Linda all gone” Sam could tell the kryptonian’s head wasn’t completely back to full coherency. “I kicked them out, they are on their way back they are still here Kara they love you.” She chuckled, causing Kara to look at her confused. “They were acting like a pair of toddlers in a sandbox fighting over a favourite toy. Both of them want to be the one that saves you that brings you home, they both love you so much but they were being annoying. This isn’t what you needed to wake up to Kara so instead, unfortunately Kara, you have me well I am guessing for a few minutes.” Shock mixed in confused features adorns the face of the barely alert Kara. “I have text them both Kara they are only upstairs you’re in Lena’s building, and your sister and Lena will be here any moment they love you and you need to be strong, strong like your Aunt Astra. Strong like Linda has been. Strong for you, you first, then all the people that love you, be strong talk to them, they love you” in a small shaky voice Kara said “El-Mayarah.” With a wide smile Sam looked down at Kara “That’s right and don’t you ever forget that. Stronger Together, all of us are stronger together.” 

On seeing the text Alex set out, running from the room and heading down the stairs, she didn’t wait for the Elevator she didn’t wait for anything, she took the stairs two three at a time and burst into the room as Lena stepped out of the private elevator. Seeing the look on Alex’s face Lena could see how anxious she was. Lena’s own anxiety was still centred on her decision, and she felt she knew what she wanted now, but there was still doubt in herself. Alex tried to get Lena to go through and Lena Alex, both wanting to go themselves but also wanting to make sure that Kara had what she needed. There was a little commotion and the door open, Sam stood and walked towards the two women, “if you two still don’t have your shit together I will send you away again” Lena smiled at Sam and pushed Alex forward, “she needs you first, she needs her rock, her safety I am here”. Anxious Alex tentatively moves forward towards the bed and looks at Kara. One look into a set of eyes, those orbs she found herself drawn to the moment they met her own the same day that Superman came to their door with a fragile girl who had lost her entire world, one look and Alex knew her sister had returned. She found herself at the side of her sister, she had drifted forward so that she was close enough, She reached up as gently as she could and touched Kara's face, knowing who was before her was real and not a figment of her imagination. Just to be sure she had not fallen asleep upstairs and dreamed that her sister was home and she would wake up to the cold empty flat, with no one there. This wasn't Linda, the torn soul twisted by evil's hands, the poor fragile girl that Lex tortured and betrayed, this was who she had waited to hug and tell her she loved her and promise to protect her for the rest of their lives. She would never leave Kara in the darkness again she would be more vigilant. “I love you Kara”  
Standing looking at Kara, Alex finally broke completely, there was no resolve left in her no energy to remain in control she had spent days, praying searching, talking, trying to do everything that she could to find a way to get Kara back. This was someone who even to Rao, not for help, not for herself, but she prayed for Rao not to listen, not to take her not now, to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the crys and pleas of his disciple, to leave her here in pain, so that she can heal her and make her happy again so that her sister would stay. "Kara, it’s really you, you're back. You've come back to me." Alex didn't know what it was, but at that moment her bad ass agent mode vanished, replaced by a sister who had nearly lost all of who gave her hope and most of all life. "You're back, Kara, don’t do that to me ever again I can’t lose you, I can’t, I love you so much you are my heart the person that gives me hope you make me better every day" She sobbed, clenching to Kara like a lifeline as if she felt she would disappear again if she didn't hold on the way she was. She rested her head on Kara’s chest sobbing, Kara wasn't doing much better, breaking down on her big sis and apologizing over and over for her words for everything, it was worse than Red K, she had not hurt Alex, physically, but she had checked out and made her live in a world where they were nothing to each other, the wipe did most of it but Kara did the rest. “I am so sorry Alex, when I lost Linda I lost my light I lost my way, I lost hope, then I lost you and I lost my safe place the rock the grounding, and I couldn’t admit how I felt for Lena I was alone, I didn’t know how to ask, how to see help, I needed to stop feeling the way I did I wanted to feel something else anything else, I am sorry for what I said I am sorry for scaring you I am sorry for leaving for not having the courage to stay, I am so, sorry Alex.

Lena could hear Kara, it was Kara, the real one, not the angry Kara shouting not the breaking Kara Screaming, not the strange and avoidant Kara for the past months, this was the woman who shyly walked into her office, the un assuming girl who Lena had not guarded against, the pure ball of sunshine, so harmless that had stolen her heart and taken possession of her soul. “Kara” Lena whispered, all doubt removed, that fragile soft loving voice, whole once more was calling to Lena, she wanted to move to get to her to hold her. It was the same pull that Lena had felt over and over again since meeting Kara, that gave her unlimited access to LCorp, buying Catco, finding a million different ways to have Kara in my daily life. This has changed after Reign, Lena thought that it was the Supergirl issue, that Kara had taken her side, but it would appear it was because there was a part of Kara missing. However Lena was held back by Sam's arms, wrapped around her to keep her from interrupting the moment between the Danvers sisters. Sam held her close, soothing her friend stroking her hair, “just give them a minute Lena, she will be yours soon enough and forever, just let them mend their fractures first ok, they need a moment” Sam looked at Lena’s face and could see that the conflict was resolved that there would be crying talking and declarations in the near future. Sam smiled, and sighed softly, “Something has changed Lena, something is different, you can feel it can’t you?” Lena was listening to Sam and she nodded, she could feel there was something different, Kara was like her old self but somehow more so, Lena could feel it the pull towards her returning, sure she missed Kara, over the last year, they had not spent so much time together but this was a different pull, she needed to get to her. “Where is Lena, Alex I need to, I have to apologise” Kara’s voice came through clear and called to Lena.

 

Alex looked up and saw that Lena was struggling to get over to Kara and smiled, she appreciated the time that was given to her by Sam and her restraint of Lena, but her sister wanted Lena now, and by the look Alex could see on Lena’s face Lena wanted to be with Kara. Alex smiled and nodded to Sam, “she is right here Kara, me and Sam will be just outside ok.” Kara looked at Alex, her mind was running on over time, she wanted to spend time with Alex and apologise more, she felt like she could be apologising for ever and it wouldn’t be enough but at the same time she was also think that if she was more honest she wouldn’t have so much to say when she was mad, she was sorry but at the same not for what she said but how she said it, this was new and Kara. She didn’t understand the change but she also didn’t fear it. She thought of Lena and the thoughts of her mistakes flooded her, more so in the past year, avoiding her, not talking to her, telling Nia when she had not spoken to Lena, she was a coward just as Linda had said, then there was this calmness, hope and love that spread over her, it was like she was being held by Astra, suddenly it made sense they were all still there they were all still with her, she was not abandoned and alone, it was different and she needed to understand how to manage so many conflicting emotions, Alex stood and walked towards Sam as Lena dashed passed to get to Kara. Lena knew that she had forgiven Kara, that she would be with her and that they would be happy, she could feel it. The moment that Lena’s emerald eyes came into view Kara’s face broke into a smile, brighter than ever before, her Azura eyes bright and shining and Lena felt her heart swell. She took Kara’s hand, “Lena I am so Sorry I didn’t do this well at all”, tears started to fall and Lena looked at Kara, “Stop Kara you, you need to rest, you need to be strong and get better”

Kara looked up at Lena, her own tears starting to fall and shook her head. “Lena please I need to get this out, just in case you chose to leave, I need you to know the truth. I am sorry, for not being honest, I am sorry for being a coward, I am sorry for not telling you how I feel about you. I wanted, needed you to just see me, just me, but at the same time I needed you to want all of me in your life, it was all conflicting and I should have talked to you been honest but I was selfish and I couldn’t give up any of the things I needed even though I knew that I was hurting you, lying and betraying you, I hid behind other people telling me I shouldn’t trust you, that I can’t tell you and blamed them all for my cowardess. It was never you, or because I didn’t trust you, it was never that, it was never anything wrong with you Lena it was all me, all my doing” Lena Looked at her, and pulled her brows together a small sad smile on her face as she watched Kara apologise she understood, the need to be seen and accepted, Lena had never felt that kind of love and wasn’t sure that she could give it, until now, in this moment watching the broken woman in front of her, taking everything on herself, talking about two conflicting desires, Lena understood that better than most, she wanted people to be accept her as Lena, as a person in her own right but she also wanted them to accept Miss Luthor, the woman trying to change the company who isn’t evil incarnate. She herself couldn’t always do that. The information that Lex had given to her that had broken her, had also left her doubting that she is any more than a Luthor, the internal prejudice that she had been struggling externally. “Kara, I am not going anywhere, Please we can talk when you are better, right now you need to heal” Kara struggled with consciousness and was trying to fight it she needed to talk to Lena, her eyes closing all she could see was the tear streaked face of Lena.


	11. Treatment for the soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girl anxiously wait as Kara heals, Lena gives sun treatments and gets some time to talk to Kara where she can really process herself. Her thoughts and her emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, this is the last instalment for this story, i was not expecting it to be this long it was supposed to be just a initial fall out fic and i suppose it is, but it just explored a lot of themes. I hope that you all enjoyed the ending to the fic maybe there will be a squeal or something at some point.
> 
> massive thanks to Cheshire/enigmea and Sara my Beta and inspiration

Lena worked in the lab as Kara slept, she was setting the sun treatments for every hour which meant Sam and Alex who never left her side except for the treatments got up and stretched leaving Lena in the room, she has told them that the treatments would take 10 minutes each time. This wasn’t true, the treatments were only a minute or so, but Lena wanted the time with Kara to herself, even though she was comfortable with her friends she didn’t want to talk to Kara in front of them. Kara wasn’t awake but Lena felt better talking to her, she had missed Kara and that voice, it told Lena that her Kara was back and Lena was so happy. She knew that there was a lot to talk about and that they would need to work on everything, they both has their own issues and they had their own baggage to add to the relationship, which Lena knew that she wanted more than anything. Since they had known Kara was indeed alive Lena had been analysing and working through things, she had a lot of information to process and a lot of feelings and expectations, since Sam arrived, Alex had been with Kara and or Sam, meaning finally everything was quiet for Lena. Lena told the women it was time to leave for the treatment, Sam and Alex each gave a sleeping Kara a kiss before leaving.

Sam knew that there was more to the treatments than Lena was letting on she knew her friend well, she encouraged Alex to go with her to get coffee and stretch her legs. Lena hadn’t taken any time from Alex or Sam, she had worked and moved silently around the room, Sam knew the look on Lena’s face she was processing, working through all the things that she had not had time to over the past few days. There was every likelihood that Lena was working through three years worth of doubt regret and lies to work it all out. The breaks would give her time with Kara and Sam wanted to help her friend so she ensured that Lena had her 10 minutes.

Treatment 1:  
Lena, hit the button and flooded the bed with sun light beamed directly from the sun, 80 seconds later the ray stopped and Lena sat down the moment the sun treatment finished and took Kara’s hand, rubbing her thumb over her knuckles, Lena had been contemplating the truth of the secret, and the other secrets that have been uncovered throughout their relationship. She continued her ministrations as she spoke. 

“Kara, I know you can hear me, I know that we are limited on time your sister and Sam will be back soon. It appears that the statement that I made in the forest is true, we all have secrets, and you and I have a difficult time with being secret free. I am sorry I hurt you and I am sorry for reacting the way I did, you never owed me your secrets, you never needed to tell me who you were, and it was not right for me to demand it from you. I have had my own secrets and I haven’t always told you everything and there is more. I ran trials and it caused the death of the patient, I didn’t tell you, because I was ashamed, and when it happened I realised I hadn’t told you about it because you would have told me it was wrong, even though I was trying to do good, I chose to ignore my conscience, by not telling you. I know that you lied for many reasons and you are blaming yourself for everything but you were doing what you think was best. Just like I was with the Kryptonite, the haronel, helping Lex and developing the cure which gave liberty super powers, and yes with Adam, that was his name. We both have done things with the best intentions and have not worked out the way we wanted I am not going to hold it against you, you apologised and we decided to let it go, I am apologising now can we agree to let it go.”

Kara was indeed awake, but wasn’t yet feeling strong enough to face what was happening, although Lena’s words were at least comforting, she wasn’t saying that she forgave her and Kara knew that, but she did come from a place of understanding and that was encouraging, she felt like there was a small amount of hope returning to her. Kara thought about opening her eyes and talking to Lena but she wasn’t able to gather the courage just yet. She needed to be in a place that she was able to leave if Lena chose that she didn’t want her around without relying on anyone else, although there was a small voice telling her that Lena, Lena loved her and she would be ok.

Lena heard Sam and Alex coming back so she stood up, she kissed Kara on the head and stroked her face, I will be back later, Alex and Sam are on their way. When they came back into the room, Lena was looking over the results back to Kara. Alex looked at her and shook her head, she was starting to think that Lena was not going to turn this around, she was sure that Lena had admitted her feelings and was going to be with Kara, but she was acting like she wasn’t interested in anything but the computer screens. “Alex, it’s her process stop worrying, she is doing what she can at this point healing her as best she can and occupying her mind” Sam looked at her so earnestly that Alex calmed. An hour passed slowly and it was time again, Sam and Alex stood and nodded at Lena, again kissing Kara on the head before leaving.

Treatment 2:

Lena had been contemplating the issue around finding it so hard to admit that she loved Kara, why she was doubting the ability for them to work through things and so when it came time, Lena hit the button once the room was clear and there was another burst of yellow sun radiation and once it was finished Lena returned to her position at Kara’s side, stroking her hand through Kara’s hair, tucking strands behind her ears and playing with the delicate strands the way she has longed to for many years. This time she spoke about her love and doubts it is what has been playing on her mind over the last hour.

“Kara, I wanted you to know that I never doubted that I loved you, you have always been very important to me. The moment that you spoke that first day, in my office, where you impassionedly told me that you understood my plight, and when I looked at you I could see that you honestly could. Since that moment I wanted to spend more and more time with you I made up reasons to see you, I called you over, I even made myself available when I was not. I felt that you became used to spending time with me and enjoyed it, I was scared that this would change, that I would feel different and that it would cause you pain. I didn’t want you to have to put up with what I had with Lex, I didn’t want you to have to have me hate you and love you, be unable to let you go but punishing you for being here. I realised that I loved you too much to put you though that to have that kind of relationship with me. That should have been enough to tell me that I didn’t want to lose you, but I am blind when it comes to you Kara, I didn't see what is hard, like you flying on a bus. I then realised that it wasn’t what I wanted, I was so worried about not being able to be Lena for you, I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to not be a Luthor, it is the lack of faith in myself that made me doubt we would be alright. It was never you, I know that sounds cliché but it is the truth, you know that I struggle to get past who I am and what I have come from, always waiting for the moment that I become crazy and do something horrific, I thought that it had already started. I pushed you away and I am sorry for that, but I didn’t want to hurt or contaminate you when I was unable to control the Luthor DNA”

Again Kara laid there listening, she had listened to Alex and Sam talk and it appeared that there was hope that they could still work things out. Alex has already calmed down and was feeling guilty about what she did to Lena. When the treatment started Kara knew that she would have Lena back soon, that knowledge was comforting to Kara, she knew Lena well enough that she wouldn’t unburdened her mind or emotions in front of others and that whatever she wanted to say would be to Kara only.

Soon enough Lena was there, Kara could open her eyes and talk to her but she knew she wasn’t healed, she wouldn’t be able to get up until her adrenaline spike gave her, her powers back. She felt that this was another lie, but she couldn’t open her eyes. This time Lena spoke about love and fear and she couldn’t believe in herself and her ability to be better, it was breaking Kara’s heart to hear her speak about herself this way and she was just about to open her eyes and talk Lena she was good and kind and had a pure soul when Kara heard the door. Lena has leaned over and kissed her, the machine beeping increased as Lena’s lips brushed her cheek.

A tear escaped as Lena spoke and she wiped her eyes she as she heard the women returning from where ever they had been this time, she stood and kissed Kara on the cheek holding her hand in the other cheek. The reaction in Kara’s heart was unmistakable and a sign that Kara was in there somewhere. She lingers a moment longer and then stands up walking over to the tablet and starts looking at it, she knows that there is only one treatment left, and Kara will be fully charged. She couldn’t see any change in the starts or in the way Kara responded. Alex returned to Kara and Sam went to Lena, she handed her a coffee and smiled. “Is there any change Lena? She doesn’t look like there is any change, I thought that there would be some change by now since she has had more treatments, and she was awake earlier” Lena shook her head and Sam could see the signs that Lena had been crying, Sam put her arm around her friend and hugged her close. “she is a fighter Lena, she loves you and she will come back for you I know her” Lena placed her hand on Sam’s and nodded. Sam returned to the chair and sat once again holding on to Kara.

Treatment 3:  
Sam had left to get some food for them all and Alex was sitting alone with her sister, Lena made sure to give them a little space, Alex was clearly upset and crying while talking to Kara, Kara who knew that Alex was hurting was laying there listening as she told her how much she needed her, and how much she depended on her, how her life was changed the day Kara arrived for the better and not having Kara would leave her empty, Alex begged her to fight to stay to come back to choose to hope and live. “Kara please, we all love you and we all want you back, none of us will be complete without you, your more than national cities hero to us you are everything please come home, we need you. I have suffered through 8 months without my sister and I didn’t like it one bit, it was true what I said in the forest outside Midvale, I missed you even though you were there, I love all that is you Kara and I need my sister.”

Lena waited as long as she could for Alex to finish and as Kara was about to open her eyes she heard Lena Say it was time to have another treatment. Alex kisses Kara’s head and brushed some hair out of her face, promising to be back soon. This time when Lena hit the button Kara felt the familiar feeling of being energised, she knew that whatever treatment this was, she was an adrenaline spike away from being super, and she knew that an argument with Lena would definitely provide that. It was time to open her eyes and finally face all that she had done.

“Kara, I thought you would have been awake by now and I am starting to get a little worried, you have had three lots of sun therapy and you are fully charged. I am starting to think that it makes no difference what I do, you are not getting any better. Alternatively you don’t want to come back to us and I can understand why you wouldn’t, I behaved appallingly, you have felt used isolated and alone and no one was able to help. I want you to know that although I can’t promise to be perfect and I can’t promise that everything will be great the moment you wake up, I want you to know I am all in, if you want me I am all in, it will take time but you are all I have wanted for three years, I can’t lose you now”

Kara listened and knew that it was time to face Lena although she felt that there was not anything to be massively concerned about at the moment she was a human, fragile and honest Kara Danvers, or the original Kara Zor-El on krypton, that wasn’t the care and she knew it was important to allow herself this time, to allow herself to be human and just talk to Lena.

“Kara they are going to be back any moment and I want you to know I love you, I have always loved you and I will always love you, nothing in this world or the next can change that. If you chose not to come back to me or you are no longer you I want to do something just once, something that I have wanted to do for three years.” Lena leaned forward and this time placed a kiss on Kara’s lips, soft and tentative but on the lips, Lena couldn’t believe that she was kissing Kara she just felt that she had to, that she would explode if she didn’t taste the lips finally, after all this time in the worst situation with the most terrible timing Lena just couldn’t help herself.

Kara had been just about to open her eyes to squeeze Lena’s hand something to make a tentative and possible a little cowardly step back towards the world, hearing Lena was all in, that was all she has ever wanted to hear, the woman she wanted that she loved was all in. Then she felt it, a soft and almost shy pressure, on her lips, she could smell Lena close to her, it was Lena, her soft lips pressed against Kara’s nothing adventurous noting possessive, nothing needy just a pure and simple kiss, one that conveyed love, and gentle kindness. Kara couldn’t help but allow a small smile to grace the corner of her mouth as she moved her head slightly, returning the kiss and moving a hand to Lena’s face.

There always a small gasp from Lena, but nothing long enough to break the kiss, and not sad, angry or outraged just a small shocked gasp, that was then met with more kissing, Lena leaned in a little and applied a little more pressure to Kara’s lips and pushing back Kara sat up winding her arms around Lena’s waist. Sam and Alex entered and Alex seeing her sister sat up and awake she went to bolt for the table, Sam grabbed her and pushed her out of the room, once outside Sam held Alex back. “I know you want to be in there I know you want to see her, hold her yourself, that you want to make sure she knows you have been here but I am talking to you right now, that’s their first kiss, let’s give them a bit of time ok”. Alex looked to the door and this time could see Lena she had not seen her, as much as Alex didn’t want to, she agreed opting instead for heading out and getting all of Kara’s favourite foods so she could have whatever she wanted, it would give her time to clear the image too.

When Lena felt the kiss be returned she made the small gasp but didn’t allow it to stop what she was feeling the way that their lips worked together the feeling of the lips of the girl of steel yielding to hers was just unbelievable and perfect. Lena could understand why sonnets were written about love and relationships, how kissing can inspire songs and movies and all sorts of creative pursuits, for although she had kissed people before Lena hand never been in love. This was a new dimension something that she was not expecting and the strangest thing was happening to her. Her heart stopped hurting and she felt less alone. Lena wondered if a kiss from a semi conscious Kara felt like this what would happen if Kara were to action put herself into the kiss.

Eventually all good things have to come to an end and Lena who was the one that needed oxygen broke the kiss. Kara couldn’t open her eyes, she was scared that if she did there would be someone other than Lena there, that there would be none of what she thought she just had. She knew that she had to be brave and she had to open her eyes the kiss had prompted the reaction and now she had to deal with everything else. “Lena I heard you, thank you for apologising, there was no need, I am sorry, for many things. You need to know that hearing you say that you loved me was possibly the best moment of my life and I am sorry I didn’t say it back, because I do feel that way for you, but then I guess you know that. I am upset with you for not trusting yourself, as contrary to the evidence you are the person I trust most in my life, you have the purest soul despite everything. I am also offended you needed to ask, where you are concerned I have always been all in”

Kara leaned into Lena and kisses her, this time it was Kara taking the lead, Kara pursuing the kiss, the contact, the closeness with Lena, Lena was more than a willing participant, she needed this, needed to feel Kara needing her, wanting her, desiring her, she needed to know 100% that Kara loves her and wanted to be with her, not that some illness caused it. Kara slowly placed a hand either side of Lena’s face and tilted her head slightly, preparing herself for the kiss, she knew she didn’t need to be so careful as her powers were out, but it did give her a few moments extra to prepare for a kiss with Lena.

Kara touched their lips together and applied pressure as she slowly moved her lips against Lena’s massaging and stimulating the soft pink lips. She slowly parted her own lips just a fraction to allow her tongue to protrude and swipe across Lena’s bottom lip. Feeling the tongue touch her lip Lena couldn’t help but let out a small moan, Kara was going to kiss her and she could tell already it was going to be good. Lena parted her lips and invited Kara into her mouth, Kara smiled slightly as this happened. Her eager tongue testing the boundary almost immediately, swiping back along the lower lip but instead of going for the penetration Kara continued the stimulation of Lena’s lips, sucking the lower on into her own mouth, sucking lightly and licking with her tongue. Kara moves her hands down over Lena’s body wrapping around her waist pulling her in closer.

Lena was waiting for the inevitable thrusting into her mouth and the domination of her intimate space by an aggressive foreign tongue, it didn’t happen and Lena relaxed more into the kiss feeling her lips sucked into Kara’s mouth and the light licking with the sucking was both stimulating her lips making them tingle, but it was arousing in other ways too. Kara released the lip and again swiped with her tongue this time softly teasing Lena’s tongue forward, and again Kara lightly sucked it as Kara softly rubbed her tongue up and down Lena’s. Lena started to enjoy the teasing kiss and returned the ministrations with her own tongue, until both were caressing each other in a loving dance rather than a sword fight or some other aggressive fashion. Lena chanced a hand on Kara’s hip and stoked her thumb over the lower abs, creating another moan from her mouth.

Kara broke the kiss and pushed her head back as her heat vision took over, for a second as she suddenly became super, she wasn’t sure if it was the kissing that had caused the peak, Lena stoking her bare skin like that or the distinct moan in pleasure as she did that caused Kara’s core to clench as she heard it, that caused the spike in Adrenaline but her heart rate went through the roof and alarms were going off everywhere as Lena held by Kara, and Kara were floating a few inches above the bed and there were scorch marks in the ceiling.

Alex and Sam were in the room that still had the monitors, when Kara’s heart spiked Alex was up and no amount of persuading from Sam was going to stop her, she witnessed the end of what looked like a passionate kiss, the Luthors hands under her sister shirt and Kara floating and toasting the ceiling. Alex blinked a few times, and realised she had just seen the point at which arousal kicked adrenaline into your system so you can, well fill that need in a physical way and Alex blushed, Kara was so aroused that she just now started her powers. Alex decided that she should have listened to Sam and not rushed in but it was too late now, and she would have to deal with the mental scars another day.

 

Alex and Sam approached the two women; they were still embracing but had floated back to the bed. Alex looked at her sister with relief as a familiar smile looked back at her. Sam was also standing there watching and smiled as she recognised her friend looking back. With barley any effort all four women managed to combined into a relief filled embrace, all physically relaxing. As all four women cling to each other crying, happy tears, because the light in their life was restored, because somehow even at her worst, even when she was hurting and broke, even then she was still the best human any of them knew. Kara clung to her home, her safety and her heritage the things these women embodied for her and felt the most loved she had since the last day on Krypton. Even in the shadows, one light shined the brightest of all, each in their own way contributing to this light it couldn’t be denied that the woman born of krypton embodied the golden sun that gave her power to help those she loved. Kara, may have lost some of herself but never stopped shining. Through their struggles and strife, they somehow prevailed in the end as long as they had each other and her light to guide them. No matter the danger, she was there to catch them when they fell. As they all are for her, No matter the fall out, they would rise again. Together, stronger, El-Myahra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you enjoyed the end of the Story and i would love to hear from you, comments inspire and i have nothing new at the moment so inspire me people.


End file.
